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| Tortilla crumb... a perfect heart from Ollie. |
Sunday, February 16, 2014
A Look Back at 2013 - JANUARY
JANUARY 2013 - We didn't do much this month. Jaren was the Student of the Week in his preschool class and so we made his poster together. Oliver had sent a few 'Ollie hearts' to me and evidently shirts are optional in our family. Eden rocking her mustache tattoo.
Frustrations...
Today marks 2 years since Ollie died. I still can't believe it is real most days. At times it seems like it just happened when other times I feel like he was just a dream. I see his photos and of course know that he existed. The immense pain I still feel is proof that he was here, that I loved him and still love and miss him terribly.
I still find people's cluelessness infuriating at times. People still make comments about things they just don't get. They just DO NOT understand grief. Maybe they just don't understand MY grief. Who knows. The last four years have been difficult. Misery abounds, but so does love and laughter. I KNOW Oliver would want to see us laughing and living... he told me that several months before he died. I don't feel guilty for laughing. I know lots of people that suffer through a loss do feel that guilt when they allow themselves to feel good. Maybe Ollie is helping me laugh from the other side. I know that he left me with plenty of memories that STILL make me laugh when I think about them. (ie - him peeing in the refrigerator door when he was sleepwalking at the age of 5.) Most people see me when I'm numb or when I'm trying to feel normal and smiling and laughing and most of the time it is real, but sometimes it is just a fake smile for the sake of not making others feel uncomfortable. Because... lets face it... our society does not know how to deal with grief. Few have seen me really break down. I broke down a few nights ago, from frustration... from grief, but not from hate.
I used to be a social butterfly, but now I find it really hard to be around people that haven't experienced the same thing I have. When my grandparents died, I still felt normal. I was sad, but I could function. I felt like I was the same person. When my son died, my world shattered. It's not the natural order of things, I could NOT function. I have been changed forever. I was pretty numb for the first year. I didn't cry much. I didn't sob, but once. I think it's God's way of helping us cope with such a horrific loss. After the first year, I made it a point to try and be more social. I couldn't stay a hermit forever. Maybe people need to be taught how to relate to others that have lost a love in such a way. I needed to feel 'normal' again. I needed to be around other people and feel loved and supported and be able to love and support others. There was book club... a monthly meeting where ladies from church get together and discuss a book. Even if you didn't read it, you could go and chat and have a relaxing night out. First time I went back, someone started talking about how horrible their child's first photos looked. About how they looked blue and looked like they were dead. I stifled back tears. I WANTED to feel normal, but it seems like grief sneaks in no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I didn't go back for a while. Ok... let's try it again... another book club, someone is talking about a funeral. Ok... get up and go to the kitchen. Fight back the tears, I don't want to make a scene. Again... I just want to go out and forget about life for an hour or two... but there it is again. Went a few more times... and then Thursday evening comes around.
Three days before Oliver's 2 year mark. Anyone who has grieved, knows that the days and months leading up to the actual day are just as difficult if not more so. I just felt like I needed to get out of the house, especially having a newborn at home and Ed working so much. So, I go. I even thought in the car, "I sure hope no one talks about a child dying". It's still hard to be around people because I feel like I don't fit in, but I'm trying. I'm trying to change and not feel lonely by going out, but it always seems to turn out badly for some reason. So we begin talking about the book and of course... someone mentions the main character losing her babies. Okay... I feel the tears starting to well up, but I just try to remember... it's just a book, it's book club, this is what is in the book, of course it's going to be discussed... don't cry in front of everyone. So I hold them back and the conversation turns, but then it's brought up again. This time the tears start, I excuse myself to the bathroom and start to cry. Not just cry, but all out sob. I can't hold it in anymore. I haven't cried this hard in months. I'm thinking great... my coat and shoes are in the room where everyone is. I have to see everyone before I leave. I try to stifle my sobs and I hear chatting and laughter out in the other room. Of course most people don't realize what is happening. This isn't THEIR reality. I'm just thinking to myself, "Why do I try?? Why do I even bother trying to be normal. I'm NOT." Finally, I get up, get my coat and shoes and leave... not meaning to slam the door behind me, but I'm so engulfed in emotion everything is just a blur. I get my shoes on and a friend is there to console me, but I'm just a mess. I'm embarrassed, I'm sad, I'm frustrated. I leave and when I get outside I scream. I'm so full of sadness... I cannot even keep it in. I get in the car and sob and scream and sob and scream some more. Is this what life is always going to be like? I hope not. It's only been 2 years, so yeah... I think I'm still entitled to be angry at life and sad. Even 20 years from now I may scream and sob. Who knows.
A few people get it. A few people emailed me and said that they were sorry the conversation went that way. They understood that it was a difficult time of year for me, they understood my frustration with wanting a night out without the reality of loss slapping me across the face again. But some people just don't get it. I get an email where a 'friend' tells me that I blame everyone and hate everyone. First of all... don't email me this. Second of all... can you wait until after the 16th? Yeah... I'm a bit stressed right now dealing with the anniversary of my son's death. I can't stand it when people try to fix me and point out my flaws or explain how I'm not grieving correctly. THIS IS GRIEF. I don't hate people... I hate the things they do. I hate how they try to fix me. I hate how they think they are helping when they are only making it worse. I hate that this is my life. I hate that my 6 year old says he wants to kill himself to be with his brother because this world is so mean. I hate that I have to visit a grave on holidays. I hate that my son is DEAD. I cannot kiss him. I cannot hear his laugh or see his face. Yes, I know I will see him again, but it doesn't help the pain NOW. The loss is real. And no... it is NOT like other losses. It IS worse. You won't understand this unless you actually live through it. It guts you. You are supposed to protect your children. They are supposed to be a living part of your future. It's not supposed to be this way.
So... yes... I'm still grieving. I will always be grieving his loss. I miss him so much. I think about him EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is a hole that won't be filled until we are together again. And the pain that hole causes is ENORMOUS. It's crippling at times. I get up every day. I try to do more than just exist. I now measure success differently. Did I get out of bed today? Yes... success. Did I change my clothes? Yes... success. Did I spend time with my kids? Yes... success. Your whole life changes. I'm trying to rebuild and learn how to deal with a loss. Telling me I blame and hate everyone doesn't help me try to be better. If anything... it makes it worse. You are trying to climb a ladder and get yourself out of a hole and someone comes and knocks out a few rungs. I know the things I need to work on. I don't need someone that 'thinks' they know everything to tell me these things. I'm sure she was just trying to help. I give people the benefit of the doubt every freaking day because I KNOW that they don't understand. I didn't before Oliver was diagnosed... and before he died. So, yes, I'm trying to understand where THEY are coming from. Just THINK before you speak... or write. I need to focus on myself and my family I guess... not on social time and friendships. Maybe that is where I'm going wrong. It's just difficult when people say hurtful things that make you stop in your tracks and cause unnecessary grief.
I won't be going back to book club. I'll just read the books I want to read and grieve quietly in the comfort of my own home. Live and learn I guess. I hope I can be somewhat normal again. I guess only time will tell. I'm a work in progress and I'm struggling at the moment, but every day is a new day and one day closer to being with Ollie again. So I will continue to trudge through this life.
I still find people's cluelessness infuriating at times. People still make comments about things they just don't get. They just DO NOT understand grief. Maybe they just don't understand MY grief. Who knows. The last four years have been difficult. Misery abounds, but so does love and laughter. I KNOW Oliver would want to see us laughing and living... he told me that several months before he died. I don't feel guilty for laughing. I know lots of people that suffer through a loss do feel that guilt when they allow themselves to feel good. Maybe Ollie is helping me laugh from the other side. I know that he left me with plenty of memories that STILL make me laugh when I think about them. (ie - him peeing in the refrigerator door when he was sleepwalking at the age of 5.) Most people see me when I'm numb or when I'm trying to feel normal and smiling and laughing and most of the time it is real, but sometimes it is just a fake smile for the sake of not making others feel uncomfortable. Because... lets face it... our society does not know how to deal with grief. Few have seen me really break down. I broke down a few nights ago, from frustration... from grief, but not from hate.
I used to be a social butterfly, but now I find it really hard to be around people that haven't experienced the same thing I have. When my grandparents died, I still felt normal. I was sad, but I could function. I felt like I was the same person. When my son died, my world shattered. It's not the natural order of things, I could NOT function. I have been changed forever. I was pretty numb for the first year. I didn't cry much. I didn't sob, but once. I think it's God's way of helping us cope with such a horrific loss. After the first year, I made it a point to try and be more social. I couldn't stay a hermit forever. Maybe people need to be taught how to relate to others that have lost a love in such a way. I needed to feel 'normal' again. I needed to be around other people and feel loved and supported and be able to love and support others. There was book club... a monthly meeting where ladies from church get together and discuss a book. Even if you didn't read it, you could go and chat and have a relaxing night out. First time I went back, someone started talking about how horrible their child's first photos looked. About how they looked blue and looked like they were dead. I stifled back tears. I WANTED to feel normal, but it seems like grief sneaks in no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I didn't go back for a while. Ok... let's try it again... another book club, someone is talking about a funeral. Ok... get up and go to the kitchen. Fight back the tears, I don't want to make a scene. Again... I just want to go out and forget about life for an hour or two... but there it is again. Went a few more times... and then Thursday evening comes around.
Three days before Oliver's 2 year mark. Anyone who has grieved, knows that the days and months leading up to the actual day are just as difficult if not more so. I just felt like I needed to get out of the house, especially having a newborn at home and Ed working so much. So, I go. I even thought in the car, "I sure hope no one talks about a child dying". It's still hard to be around people because I feel like I don't fit in, but I'm trying. I'm trying to change and not feel lonely by going out, but it always seems to turn out badly for some reason. So we begin talking about the book and of course... someone mentions the main character losing her babies. Okay... I feel the tears starting to well up, but I just try to remember... it's just a book, it's book club, this is what is in the book, of course it's going to be discussed... don't cry in front of everyone. So I hold them back and the conversation turns, but then it's brought up again. This time the tears start, I excuse myself to the bathroom and start to cry. Not just cry, but all out sob. I can't hold it in anymore. I haven't cried this hard in months. I'm thinking great... my coat and shoes are in the room where everyone is. I have to see everyone before I leave. I try to stifle my sobs and I hear chatting and laughter out in the other room. Of course most people don't realize what is happening. This isn't THEIR reality. I'm just thinking to myself, "Why do I try?? Why do I even bother trying to be normal. I'm NOT." Finally, I get up, get my coat and shoes and leave... not meaning to slam the door behind me, but I'm so engulfed in emotion everything is just a blur. I get my shoes on and a friend is there to console me, but I'm just a mess. I'm embarrassed, I'm sad, I'm frustrated. I leave and when I get outside I scream. I'm so full of sadness... I cannot even keep it in. I get in the car and sob and scream and sob and scream some more. Is this what life is always going to be like? I hope not. It's only been 2 years, so yeah... I think I'm still entitled to be angry at life and sad. Even 20 years from now I may scream and sob. Who knows.
A few people get it. A few people emailed me and said that they were sorry the conversation went that way. They understood that it was a difficult time of year for me, they understood my frustration with wanting a night out without the reality of loss slapping me across the face again. But some people just don't get it. I get an email where a 'friend' tells me that I blame everyone and hate everyone. First of all... don't email me this. Second of all... can you wait until after the 16th? Yeah... I'm a bit stressed right now dealing with the anniversary of my son's death. I can't stand it when people try to fix me and point out my flaws or explain how I'm not grieving correctly. THIS IS GRIEF. I don't hate people... I hate the things they do. I hate how they try to fix me. I hate how they think they are helping when they are only making it worse. I hate that this is my life. I hate that my 6 year old says he wants to kill himself to be with his brother because this world is so mean. I hate that I have to visit a grave on holidays. I hate that my son is DEAD. I cannot kiss him. I cannot hear his laugh or see his face. Yes, I know I will see him again, but it doesn't help the pain NOW. The loss is real. And no... it is NOT like other losses. It IS worse. You won't understand this unless you actually live through it. It guts you. You are supposed to protect your children. They are supposed to be a living part of your future. It's not supposed to be this way.
So... yes... I'm still grieving. I will always be grieving his loss. I miss him so much. I think about him EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is a hole that won't be filled until we are together again. And the pain that hole causes is ENORMOUS. It's crippling at times. I get up every day. I try to do more than just exist. I now measure success differently. Did I get out of bed today? Yes... success. Did I change my clothes? Yes... success. Did I spend time with my kids? Yes... success. Your whole life changes. I'm trying to rebuild and learn how to deal with a loss. Telling me I blame and hate everyone doesn't help me try to be better. If anything... it makes it worse. You are trying to climb a ladder and get yourself out of a hole and someone comes and knocks out a few rungs. I know the things I need to work on. I don't need someone that 'thinks' they know everything to tell me these things. I'm sure she was just trying to help. I give people the benefit of the doubt every freaking day because I KNOW that they don't understand. I didn't before Oliver was diagnosed... and before he died. So, yes, I'm trying to understand where THEY are coming from. Just THINK before you speak... or write. I need to focus on myself and my family I guess... not on social time and friendships. Maybe that is where I'm going wrong. It's just difficult when people say hurtful things that make you stop in your tracks and cause unnecessary grief.
I won't be going back to book club. I'll just read the books I want to read and grieve quietly in the comfort of my own home. Live and learn I guess. I hope I can be somewhat normal again. I guess only time will tell. I'm a work in progress and I'm struggling at the moment, but every day is a new day and one day closer to being with Ollie again. So I will continue to trudge through this life.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Be a life preserver...
So... I've been pondering a lot about the last three years. About life, about service, about people, about forgiveness, about perspective. It has come to my attention that people still don't understand my frustration about feeling lost and disappointed in the lack of people being there for me. By 'being there for me' during this journey, I mean someone to talk to, be a friend and a shoulder for me to cry on or someone to laugh with. There have been many people that have done nice things and offered us many prayers, which we are grateful for, but that isn't my point in this blog post. I wish I could thank everyone individually for all they've done for Oliver and our family, but I can't. I try to do it online or on the blog, but people still feel that I'm not grateful or not informed of the services rendered. I know most things and I am grateful to hear of them, however, if you do things anonymously and expect me to thank you publicly, what was the point of the anonymity in the first place?? Doesn't that defeat the purpose?? Just a thought.
As I was thinking about this, which some people just won't let go of, I was trying to find a way to put it in simpler terms for people to understand. As I've met with other grieving mothers, I've found a common thread that is woven through our journeys. We NEED a friend. We NEED support to be able to get through the journey. The most difficult time in our lives is when our child is terminally ill and oftentimes, the friends that we thought would step up... simply... step out. Some don't know how to handle grief, some have their own problems, some just don't know what to do. Well. I'm a firm believer in the quote, 'When you KNOW better, you DO better'. So... coming from my own personal perspective here are some of my thoughts... well... a story if you will. Stories help to clarify things when told by a good storyteller... hopefully this brings clarity as I'm not the greatest storyteller... so bear with me.
First of all... I was reading a General Conference talk by Elder Ronald Rasband (Video of talk here) about the death of his grandchild which spurred this story of mine. Here is the quote that stood out to me...
Paxton’s family has learned they are surrounded by countless heavenly and earthly ministering angels. Some have quietly slipped in when needed and silently slipped out. Others have been at the door with food, doing the laundry, picking up the siblings, calling with encouragement, and especially praying for Paxton. Thus another special lesson learned: If you come upon a person who is drowning, would you ask if they need help—or would it be better to just jump in and save them from the deepening waters? The offer, while well meaning and often given, “Let me know if I can help” is really no help at all.
So keep this quote in mind while reading on...
Imagine you are at a busy beach on a hot summer day. You are swimming and having fun when all of a sudden you are pulled under the water by an unseen force. A riptide has gotten you in its clutches and you are trying as hard as you can to break free from it's bonds. You are struggling with all of your strength to get your head above water. There are many people on the beach that day. Some people don't notice you are in the water and in distress. Many people look on in shock and are paralyzed with fear. They don't know what to do. They want to help, but they don't know how. They haven't been properly trained in how to save someone from drowning. With a powerful urge and want to help, someone scrambles to pick up a flip flop and throw it to you. Another throws you a beach towel. These things, although in an attempt to help, don't help you with what you NEED at that point in time. In the moment of panic, you are distressed and praying for someone to help you get to safety. Praying for someone that knows how to save a drowning person because you can't do it on your own. Finally, a lifeguard comes rushing over to help you. She throws you a life preserver, you latch on and she pulls you to safety. At this point you are still in shock, but you know that someone was there that was successful in getting to you. In helping you at your most needed time.
We are here to help one another. You need to have the desire to want to help someone and then act on it. But, before you act on it... you need to find out what they NEED the most. Your service doesn't go unnoticed, but it may not be what the person NEEDED at the time. I really hope people understand this. Like Elder Rasband said 'The offer, while well meaning and often given, "Let me know if I can help" is really no help at all.' Most of the time the offer is sincere and well meaning, but when you are drowning... you can't pick up the phone to call for help. So... you are probably asking... what should we do then?
~ YOU call THEM. Don't wait for THEM to call YOU. When you are in this journey of despair and grief, you can barely get yourself out of bed in the morning. Some people, like myself, find it extremely difficult to ask someone for help. You never know when someone is in dire need of a phone call or a friend to just drop by and talk. No one knows when you are a bawling mess, and you most likely won't grab the phone and call someone, but if you follow the spirit and just call or stop by, it may be just the thing that person needs. I know many people have told me, well I just didn't want to intrude. If you stop by or call, they can say that it's not a good time, but they KNOW that you are trying and hopefully you will CONTINUE to try. The point is... you made yourself available for them.
~ Continue to offer assistance, but do it in more specific terms. Tell them that you have this Wednesday open and would like to help them out in any way. This gives them the opportunity to say yes or no right there and they know that you are genuine about your offer to help. Not just something you automatically say to someone that is struggling. This is also true for stopping over. If you are at my door, I am more likely to accept the help and feel like I'm not burdening you.
~ Don't give up on the person that is grieving. It is a nightmare to go through the diagnosis of your child, to know that they will die, never know when it's going to happen, watch their decline and finally their death. This is just the immediate mother/child relationship. There are social, spiritual, mental, physical challenges along the way as well. I'm trying to educate you in how to help them socially and in effect... all ways. This is a roller coaster ride of emotions that changes daily... actually from minute to minute and is never the same roller coaster ride so you never know what to expect. Sometimes we need someone to talk to and sometimes we need space. If I don't answer a call or get back to you, you have to try and understand what we are going through. We are being torn apart in all directions... in every way you can think of. If I don't answer the phone, it's just my way of saying I need space, I need time. We do know if you call and are grateful that you are reaching out. Just don't give up on us. It may take us a long time to open up to people again. It's a long process... a life long journey.
~ Don't judge. I can attest to the fact that going through this changes who you are. Sometimes you aren't the person you want to be, but it's all a part of the learning process. Many talks from General Conference recently have been about child loss. They are faithful and strong now... but when it happened I know a few of them said they were bitter. Well... it's only been a year since he passed. It's still raw... it's still fresh. I haven't been able to forget things and forgive as I know I need to. Give me 10 - 20 years like these men and their families and I hope that I can emerge stronger than I am now. So if I snap at you out of frustration... I'm sorry. There are many aspects of this journey that really suck and mood swings are one of them. I know that many other parents can say the same thing. Don't judge us too harshly. I'm trying to learn how to see things from the other side and give people the benefit of the doubt as well. Life is freaking hard.
~ Don't give advice to people that don't ask for it. If someone wants advice... they will ASK FOR IT. Sometime people just need to vent without the feeling that someone is trying to FIX you. Sometimes what is good for you isn't good for them. Just learn to keep your ears open and your mouth shut... if you don't want to get a mental punch in the face. The fastest way to get ignored is by giving advice when it is not asked for. Learn how to be a good listener. You can be if you genuinely want to help.
Okay... that is all for now. I hope that this helps. I could just sit and stew about how I feel I was let down in some aspects, however, I want to inform people HOW to help because people in our society don't know how to truly help someone. Be a lifeguard for the people around you. Get trained, get the knowledge you need in order to help someone that is in desperate need of help. You may be the only one that is knows what to do. I hope this post has given you the knowledge to help someone else. I KNOW I'm not the only one that has dealt with death and grief and I KNOW I won't be the last.
Again... thank you to everyone that has thrown a flip flop in an effort to help. It is and always will be appreciated. Thank you to the few lifeguards that have been in my life and helped me get back to safety. ALL OF US, me included, have room to grow and knowledge to gain. Praying for a softer and more compassionate heart... like Oliver's.
As I was thinking about this, which some people just won't let go of, I was trying to find a way to put it in simpler terms for people to understand. As I've met with other grieving mothers, I've found a common thread that is woven through our journeys. We NEED a friend. We NEED support to be able to get through the journey. The most difficult time in our lives is when our child is terminally ill and oftentimes, the friends that we thought would step up... simply... step out. Some don't know how to handle grief, some have their own problems, some just don't know what to do. Well. I'm a firm believer in the quote, 'When you KNOW better, you DO better'. So... coming from my own personal perspective here are some of my thoughts... well... a story if you will. Stories help to clarify things when told by a good storyteller... hopefully this brings clarity as I'm not the greatest storyteller... so bear with me.
First of all... I was reading a General Conference talk by Elder Ronald Rasband (Video of talk here) about the death of his grandchild which spurred this story of mine. Here is the quote that stood out to me...
Paxton’s family has learned they are surrounded by countless heavenly and earthly ministering angels. Some have quietly slipped in when needed and silently slipped out. Others have been at the door with food, doing the laundry, picking up the siblings, calling with encouragement, and especially praying for Paxton. Thus another special lesson learned: If you come upon a person who is drowning, would you ask if they need help—or would it be better to just jump in and save them from the deepening waters? The offer, while well meaning and often given, “Let me know if I can help” is really no help at all.
So keep this quote in mind while reading on...
Imagine you are at a busy beach on a hot summer day. You are swimming and having fun when all of a sudden you are pulled under the water by an unseen force. A riptide has gotten you in its clutches and you are trying as hard as you can to break free from it's bonds. You are struggling with all of your strength to get your head above water. There are many people on the beach that day. Some people don't notice you are in the water and in distress. Many people look on in shock and are paralyzed with fear. They don't know what to do. They want to help, but they don't know how. They haven't been properly trained in how to save someone from drowning. With a powerful urge and want to help, someone scrambles to pick up a flip flop and throw it to you. Another throws you a beach towel. These things, although in an attempt to help, don't help you with what you NEED at that point in time. In the moment of panic, you are distressed and praying for someone to help you get to safety. Praying for someone that knows how to save a drowning person because you can't do it on your own. Finally, a lifeguard comes rushing over to help you. She throws you a life preserver, you latch on and she pulls you to safety. At this point you are still in shock, but you know that someone was there that was successful in getting to you. In helping you at your most needed time.
We are here to help one another. You need to have the desire to want to help someone and then act on it. But, before you act on it... you need to find out what they NEED the most. Your service doesn't go unnoticed, but it may not be what the person NEEDED at the time. I really hope people understand this. Like Elder Rasband said 'The offer, while well meaning and often given, "Let me know if I can help" is really no help at all.' Most of the time the offer is sincere and well meaning, but when you are drowning... you can't pick up the phone to call for help. So... you are probably asking... what should we do then?
~ YOU call THEM. Don't wait for THEM to call YOU. When you are in this journey of despair and grief, you can barely get yourself out of bed in the morning. Some people, like myself, find it extremely difficult to ask someone for help. You never know when someone is in dire need of a phone call or a friend to just drop by and talk. No one knows when you are a bawling mess, and you most likely won't grab the phone and call someone, but if you follow the spirit and just call or stop by, it may be just the thing that person needs. I know many people have told me, well I just didn't want to intrude. If you stop by or call, they can say that it's not a good time, but they KNOW that you are trying and hopefully you will CONTINUE to try. The point is... you made yourself available for them.
~ Continue to offer assistance, but do it in more specific terms. Tell them that you have this Wednesday open and would like to help them out in any way. This gives them the opportunity to say yes or no right there and they know that you are genuine about your offer to help. Not just something you automatically say to someone that is struggling. This is also true for stopping over. If you are at my door, I am more likely to accept the help and feel like I'm not burdening you.
~ Don't give up on the person that is grieving. It is a nightmare to go through the diagnosis of your child, to know that they will die, never know when it's going to happen, watch their decline and finally their death. This is just the immediate mother/child relationship. There are social, spiritual, mental, physical challenges along the way as well. I'm trying to educate you in how to help them socially and in effect... all ways. This is a roller coaster ride of emotions that changes daily... actually from minute to minute and is never the same roller coaster ride so you never know what to expect. Sometimes we need someone to talk to and sometimes we need space. If I don't answer a call or get back to you, you have to try and understand what we are going through. We are being torn apart in all directions... in every way you can think of. If I don't answer the phone, it's just my way of saying I need space, I need time. We do know if you call and are grateful that you are reaching out. Just don't give up on us. It may take us a long time to open up to people again. It's a long process... a life long journey.
~ Don't judge. I can attest to the fact that going through this changes who you are. Sometimes you aren't the person you want to be, but it's all a part of the learning process. Many talks from General Conference recently have been about child loss. They are faithful and strong now... but when it happened I know a few of them said they were bitter. Well... it's only been a year since he passed. It's still raw... it's still fresh. I haven't been able to forget things and forgive as I know I need to. Give me 10 - 20 years like these men and their families and I hope that I can emerge stronger than I am now. So if I snap at you out of frustration... I'm sorry. There are many aspects of this journey that really suck and mood swings are one of them. I know that many other parents can say the same thing. Don't judge us too harshly. I'm trying to learn how to see things from the other side and give people the benefit of the doubt as well. Life is freaking hard.
~ Don't give advice to people that don't ask for it. If someone wants advice... they will ASK FOR IT. Sometime people just need to vent without the feeling that someone is trying to FIX you. Sometimes what is good for you isn't good for them. Just learn to keep your ears open and your mouth shut... if you don't want to get a mental punch in the face. The fastest way to get ignored is by giving advice when it is not asked for. Learn how to be a good listener. You can be if you genuinely want to help.
Okay... that is all for now. I hope that this helps. I could just sit and stew about how I feel I was let down in some aspects, however, I want to inform people HOW to help because people in our society don't know how to truly help someone. Be a lifeguard for the people around you. Get trained, get the knowledge you need in order to help someone that is in desperate need of help. You may be the only one that is knows what to do. I hope this post has given you the knowledge to help someone else. I KNOW I'm not the only one that has dealt with death and grief and I KNOW I won't be the last.
Again... thank you to everyone that has thrown a flip flop in an effort to help. It is and always will be appreciated. Thank you to the few lifeguards that have been in my life and helped me get back to safety. ALL OF US, me included, have room to grow and knowledge to gain. Praying for a softer and more compassionate heart... like Oliver's.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
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