Sunday, September 19, 2010
It's hard to get out in the mornings because Ollie is starting to feel nauseas again every day. When he was undergoing his radiation treatments he would usually vomit every time we'd travel in the car and now he's getting that same feeling back and never wants to travel in the morning. He's able to run again and throw with his left hand. He doesn't stumble or trip on his left foot anymore, although he gets tired when walking long distances. He still has his eye patch because the double vision never went away and when he takes it off it's shocking to see how turned in his eye is now. He gets frustrated easily, cries a lot more, is more aggressive with his siblings and can't take jokes like he used to. It's really hard to see these types of changes happening to your child because it's changing who he is. He's still a sweet boy that says funny things and still climbs up on my lap to cuddle with me. Whenever he's sitting with me I find myself thinking of how it will be when he's gone. He's my cuddler. I will miss that so much. He's not in school right now because he didn't want kids to make fun of him if he started crying which I completely understand, so his teacher and counselor are going to be his tutors twice a week. We are thinking of trying to see if he can go a few afternoons. His nausea seems to get better after noon. We'll see what he thinks about that. I'm just glad he has a class to feel like he belongs.
I can't sleep. My mind just keeps racing. I have a sick feeling in my stomach every time I think about what is happening in my life right now. It's frustrating when it feels like no one cares, even friends who you thought would be there and now are nowhere to be found. I know life doesn't stop for others just because of what I'm going through, but it would be nice to feel like people cared. It's like I've fallen off the face of the planet.
I feel like I'm drowning and people are just standing on the shore watching me struggle. Most days I can keep myself busy and try not to think about how I'm truly feeling, but when the day ends and I can't seem to fall asleep that is when the thoughts creep in. I find that I'm becoming more hard-hearted toward people and I don't want to be. I wish that life could just go back to the way it was. I had my few close friends that I could stop by unannounced and chat for hours or go out with to unwind when life was getting to be stressful. I want my comfort zone back. I want my fun friends back. I want to hang out again and laugh and forget about the days problems. Yes, I can talk about things with my counselor, but it's just not the same as hanging out with a close friend.
I just feel so disconnected from the outside world. I used to go out for girl's nights all the time and hang out, but now I feel like a hermit being home every single day. I'm being pulled in so many directions and trying to fill everyone else's needs that mine are never being met. I have no time for myself which is starting to wear me down.