It's been a long while since I've posted anything on here. Most days go by and I try to keep myself busy with things... having 3 kids still here is a lot of work and helps to keep me numb. I know that sounds horrible, but at times it's the only way to get through the day. I do find joy in each day. The kids make me laugh and we still talk about Oliver. I want them to remember him. It's hard because you don't want to make an altar to a child that has passed, but you also don't want your kids to forget him. I have photos up of him because that is the only way I see him now. He doesn't come through the front door after school anymore or walk in the kitchen and ask what we are having for dinner. His pictures are a visual reminder for me and everyone that enters my home that he lived and that he is still here in spirit.
The other day Ed and I went to see the movie 'Lincoln' in the theater and Abe and Mary were arguing over the death of one of their sons and talking about grief. Abraham said that he wanted to crawl into the ground with his son's casket. I just started sobbing. I knew that feeling too well and it was only 9 months since his death. Too soon... still so raw. I just couldn't stop crying. You just never know when it's going to hit.
Oliver keeps sending me signs in the shape of hearts. Some may just laugh them away, but I truly think they are from him and not just here by accident. It helps me, so who cares how it got there... I suppose. There have been more kids dying each day from DIPG and it makes me sick to my stomach. I decorated Ollie's grave for Halloween and now Christmas and it makes me sick to think that most people are out buying their child a costume or a gift and I'm picking out things to take to my son's grave. I don't think it will ever feel right.
I need to start updating more. I'm still playing catchup with tons of pictures... so keep checking back.
Thank you for still thinking of us and praying for us. I know Ollie is around, although I physically can't see or feel him. He's still here watching over us.