Thursday, May 24, 2012

'Grieving' Mother's Day

Yesterday was the first Mother's Day without Oliver.  My first Mother's day as a grieving mother.  It was a difficult day.  It hasn't even been 3 months since his passing so of course I'm still grieving.  However, who's to say 3 years from now, 3 decades from now... I won't still be grieving?  Who knows.  Ed made me breakfast in bed and the kids brought in homemade cards and sat on the bed with me while I ate breakfast and read through the cards.  Ed made a card and said it was from Oliver... 'Three little birds' was the theme of the card.  It was Oliver's favorite Bob Marley song and I sometimes envision him singing it to me.  Reassuring me that 'every little thing is gonna be alright'.  Oh how I wish he could be here to make his own card for me to keep.  I sure miss that kid.

I have to work harder than ever to be happy on days like this and 'smile like I mean it' because I have three other children that I want to be there for.  I want to be present in their lives, but the grief overshadows so much of my life right now.  It just doesn't seem fair for the other kids to have to go through this and lose a part of their mom in the process.  I am so grateful for them and the love they continue to give and the laughs they elicit.  We still have many more memories to create together, even though Oliver is not here presently.  When emotions get the best of me I try to think that he is better off where he is.  The world is getting more and more wicked it seems and he will be spared from any more misery this life would have thrown his way.  My job, at present, is complete now that he has passed on into the next life and the next phase will resume once Ed and I meet him again.  I have to cling to this promise or I would be driven mad with wonder at what the next life holds.

It's been difficult just to be in the presence of lots of people, no matter where it may be.  I'm the most comfortable just being at home, far away from people.  Most people are well meaning, but just happen to say the wrong things almost every time I'm in public, so by staying home, I don't hear those things as much.  I have to shelter myself or I am a ticking time bomb and I'm afraid I'll let off some verbal diarrhea out on some random stranger that doesn't deserve it.  I just feel that I can't properly contain all of my emotions and want to explode.  I've been trying to do some deep breathing exercises and taking some time outs for myself to calm down and relax before dealing with certain situations before I snap.  I just don't understand people sometimes... especially their lack of common sense and compassion.

It was difficult going to church.  I wasn't going to go, but Eden really wanted me to because all of the Primary kids were singing for Mother's Day and I didn't want to disappoint her.  I went for her, but it was really hard being there.  I don't like being in the building where I last saw my child's face for the last time.  I can't go in the Relief Society room because that is where they shut the casket and we said our final goodbyes.  I just can't do it.  I talked to Ed and told him that I just feel like I can't do it anymore.  I'm at such a spiritual crossroads right now and don't know what to believe anymore and it is a horrible place to be.  It's not like I'm trying to do it on my own.  I would LOVE to have a strong testimony and feel the love of my Heavenly Father, but I don't most of the time.  I wish I did.  I think it would make things a lot easier.  I just feel lost and hopeless a lot of the time.  It is always hard watching the kids up on stage singing songs, especially today... when they are singing to all of the mothers.  My boy wasn't up there.  Saying 'he was there' doesn't help... it really doesn't.  I certainly wish it did, though.  Hearing about the scouts and father/son camp outs are difficult because he isn't able to do those things anymore.  The whole thing just sucks.  I'm jealous of other people... the people that have their kids and have no idea what it is like to be missing one of them.  I should be happy for them that they don't have to feel this intense emptiness, but I'm not.  Why is this MY TRIAL?!?  My son is DEAD!!!  He's DEAD.  My emotions are just all over the place.  I'm hanging on to the hope that this will mold and shape me into a better and more compassionate person.  The other option is bitter and hateful and I don't want to end up there.  So keep plugging away... that is what I do.

Anyways... I hope you truly were grateful to have your children this Mother's Day and realize what a true gift they really are.  There are many women out there that never married, can't bear children, lost a child to disease, accidents, miscarriage, war, suicide.  It IS a blessing to have our kids.  It IS a blessing to be a mother.  When someone asks you what you do for a living... proudly tell them... "I am a mother".  I've felt that I've had to try and justify my role as a stay-at-home mother many times.  People don't understand why I wouldn't work.  I'm grateful to have been able to make the choice to stay home with my kids.  We've sacrificed a large home, a nice neighborhood, boats and other toys, activities for the kids and many other things... but I was able to be with my kids and no one can take that away.  I was able to make memories with Oliver and all  of my other children and for that I am so grateful...  "My greatest blessings call me, Mom"... no truer words have been spoken.


Allyson said...

Stacy--you are so brave, i know not by choice. Thank you for your honesty and candidness. You are an incredible mother. I heard a man speak today, who said he hates the word healing, no way to heal from a terrble loss. But down the road, something wonderful happens and you have both in your heart, the huge hole and also this wonderful experience, and they live in you side by side. Dont judge yourself for anything you are feeling. I hope you keep writing. You are beautiful.

eureka1951 said...

Stacy - you amaze me. What a beautiful post. It's been 3 months? That is a lifetime and yet it's yesterday. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Our son-in-law lost his parents and a brother in a car accident. Our pastor said it would take years, as many as 7 or 8, before the family came to terms with it. And they would never get over it, they would just learn to live without them. But there would be a day they would remember all the wonderful memories they had with them.

You are stronger than you think. I'm so happy you went to Oliver's school this week when they let the balloons go and planted a tree in his name. What a legacy that young man has left!

Blessings to you and your entire family! You are touching lives of people you will never know!

meghan said...

My heart aches for you. I thought of you on Mother's day. Said a little prayer that you might feel some peace. I am sorry I have not been better about calling. I miss our girls nights and chats. Know that I am always here, even though I am far away.

The Breckons said...

Stacy, I know I have never met you in person, but you have touched my life in a way I never imagined. I a amazed by your strength. It seems that you may not "feel" strong, but it shines through. Please know that prayers are continuing to be sent your way.

Jodi said...

I read something once that has stayed with me for life.

'Tis better to lose a child in his innocence than to lose them later to the world'.....

Ollie is 'safe'....he's innocent, he'll always BE innocent. His soul is preserved in it's innocence. I have watched my children be lost to this world,'s PAINFUL. And it feels HOPELESS.
To watch them slip away...and know that they're losing their very souls...and you can do nothing but 'like' death, a spiritual death and we both know what happens to you when you die a spiritual are forever separated from God.
So yes, I may still have my children here on earth...but I feel they (and I'm referring to a couple of them) are lost to me and at this point, lost to our Heavenly Father.
Where-as sweet Ollie...forever innocent, was met with such favor of the Lord. And you never, ever have to worry about losing him Eternally.

I know you've suffered immeasurable pain here on earth, but I have to believe you will be rewarded greatly when your story is revealed...when you and Ollie are together again.

I pray for Peace for you between then and now.

When you can't hold on....HOLD ON.


Jill said...

I found your blog randomly, and your post touched my heart. You have every right to be angry and to feel whatever you need to feel. Your post reminded me of another I have read. Ashley lost her daughter in an accidental drowning, and she shares a lot of good insights about grief. This post in particular might be helpful:

My prayers are with you that time will ease your pain.

Anonymous said...

You are right, we are lucky to be moms. And you are entitled to feel however you want to feel, no matter what stupid comments people may make . You are a great mom to all of your children.

Bethel said...

Another blog you might like to read regularly is
she discusses hurt/loss/pain and living in a real world being fully aware of our imperfect selves. I can't describe her writing, but I think you'd like her.
love and peace, beth