Thursday, September 27, 2012

Just got a comment on my blog that is a complete example of what NOT to say to me...  WOW...  seriously....  maybe I'll disable comments from now on and focus on this being just a journal people can peek in at... because certain 'comments' do not help... they actually seem to make things worse for me. 

Yes... I KNOW I have other children and I am trying the best I can right now.  If that means that my 2 year old goes to his grandparents house in the evenings... so be it.  It is a better choice than for him to stay here right now because I can't handle him 24/7 right now.   I see a psychiatrist and we are checking out all of my medication options.  I'm popping pills to STAY alive... meaning if I don't take my meds... I will become MORE depressed and suicidal.  I started taking my sleeping aid again to help try and get into a routine.

 I AM here for my kids when they get home from school.  We cook together, read together, do puzzles and crafts together.  Go to the park.  Yes... some days I just lay on the couch... or read in bed while they play together in the living room watching TV.  Some days I feel like I just can't give it my all.  I'm GRIEVING... and it's OK.  They ARE getting FOOD.  They ARE being CLOTHED.  They ARE being BATHED.  They ARE where they need to be.  They ARE getting mommy time doing CRAFTS and READING BOOKS.  They ARE getting HUGS and KISSES and hear "I LOVE YOU" on a daily basis.  That is more than MOST 'normal' families.... And yes, they do sometimes have to find something to do when mom needs to go in her room and bawl for a while.  They are 5 and 9... they can handle that for 30 minutes.  They get in trouble for not doing chores and for being disobedient.  They do their homework.  It's not like my children are sitting naked in their rooms with nothing to eat.  I'm doing THE BEST I CAN right now and honestly I think I'm doing a pretty good damn job seeing as who I am and what I've recently been through.  NO TWO PEOPLE WILL EVER LIVE LIFE THE SAME WAY... so don't judge my way of grieving because it doesn't mirror YOUR way of grieving. 

I am human.  I WILL CRY and BAWL and RANT and RAVE and SWEAR during the bad times, but I do have good times as well... actually more good times than bad.  I mean I think of Oliver on a daily basis, but I'm not sobbing all day long.  I KNOW Oliver is proud of me, NO MATTER WHAT.  He is in a place where he most likely understands human emotions in a way none of us on earth can.  Just because I'm sad and depressed doesn't mean he's not proud of me.  I think I make him proud when I choose to not overdose on my medications... when I choose to deep breathe and count to ten before doing something drastic.  I think I make him proud when I say his name and talk about his story with other people.  I think I make him proud when we talk about him with his siblings, like he's still alive and well within our family.  We still joke around with Oliver even though we can't see him.  I think he's proud of me when I get out of bed every day.  I think he's proud of me when I kneel down and pray after months of not praying.  I think he's proud of me because I KEEP TRYING MY HARDEST to be better... for me... for my family and for him.  I know he's not shaking his head in disgust when I cry and miss him... it probably makes him sad and want to help comfort me... but I don't think that by doing that he's less proud of me. 

The bottom line is.... I'm doing the best that I can for me and my family right now.... and for the people looking in... you may have your own idea of what YOU would do in my situation, but you are not ME.... so you can leave your advice inside your own head until it is asked for.  Otherwise... zip the lip.

---from a grieving momma trying to find my new normal in a world of people that haven't got a clue...

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Stacy,I know Oliver is so proud of you,as I am..noone heals the same,take all of the time you need to get through this,you are a fantastic mother who is hurting..anyone with any common sense knows this..the loss of a child is the most unbearable pain anyone on earth could go through,I lost my daughter..I also followed you and Oliver on his journey,and when he went to heaven I broke down and cried like a baby..not sop much for Oliver because he is in heaven,but for you..honey dont pay any mind to negative people,they r a waste of time and energy..you focus on you and take as long as you need to feel somewhat whole again..I understand! Your kids understand..and Oliver def understands! He is proud..I agree 100% with the things you said..u have a right to feel any way u do,just know my prayers are with you..Love,Lisa from NC

Michele said...

Well said Stacy. Unless we've walked in your shoes, we have NO right to judge. I think you are wonderful. Just taking one day at a time is all you need to do. :)

Naomi said...

Oliver and all of your children are so blessed to have you as their mother. Don't listen to the negatives Stacy because you have SO many people who are incredibly proud of you. I just popped in the new Killers CD and thought of you. Hope you've had a chance to listen to it. It's wonderful and the song Be Still makes me want to cry but is lovely. It's the perfect song to listen to when you're down I think. I love you.

stephanie said...

You should never have to explain yourself to anyone, you are a wonderful loving mother! You just lost your son! And anyone who would comment anything to make you feel bad is just discusting and wrong! We are strangers, but i have followed your blog since last summer, and my family and i think of ollie all the time. God bless you and your family.

Emily said...

Love you Stacy. I am glad you were honest with this. I am sorry if I ever offended you in anyway with what I have said.

lisalisa said...

aw man, I dont know what that person said, but I ant you to know I admire you for all that you are doing to stay well and keep going. As someone who battles mental illness. I know what it is to struggle to get through the day and try to be there for my family. But I have NO idea what it is like to be trying to manage your illness AND grieve a lost child. I don't think I could function. Honestly I think I would have to be sedated 24/7 to keep from losing it. Just the fact that you are able to get out of bed and be there for your kids is a super human feat of strength, in my opinion. And if there are days you can't, so be it. you need to take care of yourself too and you need to grieve. I am sure if you dont allow yourself to feel and cry and break down now it will come out later, in other ways. You just keep doing what you need to do. It's between you, your family, your mentalhealth professionals, and.....you. nobody else.

Its ok if you dont want to publish this. I just wanted to support you and let you know my humble opinion.

XOLisa

Rachael M said...

I agree with the other commenters. You are awesome, Stacy, and your grief is completely normal. You are still a wonderful Mom. NOT grieving would be far more harmful, I think. Hang in there, and know that you are loved.

The Breckons said...

Ummmm ... I am not a grieving mom and I don't feel I do half the things you listed. You absolutely amaze me! I KNOW Oliver is so proud of not only who you are but also what you have been able to accomplish. I also know I am proud of you! Please know that there are many people across the country who are thinking of you and praying for you!

Mishi said...

I just read the comment you are referring to, and am completely horrified. This person has no clue what she is talking about. You don't need to "pick yourself up" to make Oliver proud. Oliver is proud of you because you are the best mom in the world, and your other kids admire your strength and dignity and by showing how sad you are about Oliver, it gives them the opportunity to be sad too.
DIPG is one of the most horrific thing a parent can live through and the fact that you are still able to wake up most days is a victory. Hundreds of strangers around the world admire your neverending love for your children, and yourself. If you didn't love yourself, you wouldn't be doing all the things you NEED to do to get through each day.

I hope you are able to find small comfort in the fact that I have looked up to you the last several months as I navigate my own Hell, watching my daughter die of DIPG. I look up to you because you are an example of how I want to navigate this journey. Sending you strength and understanding.

Mishi (Stella's mom)

Anonymous said...

I do not know you. We have never met. I have never walked a day in your shoes. I have never lived through the nightmare of losing a child. I followed Oliver's story and cried with you. I continue to cry with you as I read this. You have lived through something unspeakable. You will continue to live through it second by second, if that's what it takes. I am proud of you for seeking help. I admire your honesty and your strength. Oliver will never be forgotten and neither will you.