Just got a comment on my blog that is a complete example of what NOT to say to me... WOW... seriously.... maybe I'll disable comments from now on and focus on this being just a journal people can peek in at... because certain 'comments' do not help... they actually seem to make things worse for me.
Yes... I KNOW I have other children and I am trying the best I can right now. If that means that my 2 year old goes to his grandparents house in the evenings... so be it. It is a better choice than for him to stay here right now because I can't handle him 24/7 right now. I see a psychiatrist and we are checking out all of my medication options. I'm popping pills to STAY alive... meaning if I don't take my meds... I will become MORE depressed and suicidal. I started taking my sleeping aid again to help try and get into a routine.
I AM here for my kids when they get home from school. We cook together, read together, do puzzles and crafts together. Go to the park. Yes... some days I just lay on the couch... or read in bed while they play together in the living room watching TV. Some days I feel like I just can't give it my all. I'm GRIEVING... and it's OK. They ARE getting FOOD. They ARE being CLOTHED. They ARE being BATHED. They ARE where they need to be. They ARE getting mommy time doing CRAFTS and READING BOOKS. They ARE getting HUGS and KISSES and hear "I LOVE YOU" on a daily basis. That is more than MOST 'normal' families.... And yes, they do sometimes have to find something to do when mom needs to go in her room and bawl for a while. They are 5 and 9... they can handle that for 30 minutes. They get in trouble for not doing chores and for being disobedient. They do their homework. It's not like my children are sitting naked in their rooms with nothing to eat. I'm doing THE BEST I CAN right now and honestly I think I'm doing a pretty good damn job seeing as who I am and what I've recently been through. NO TWO PEOPLE WILL EVER LIVE LIFE THE SAME WAY... so don't judge my way of grieving because it doesn't mirror YOUR way of grieving.
I am human. I WILL CRY and BAWL and RANT and RAVE and SWEAR during the bad times, but I do have good times as well... actually more good times than bad. I mean I think of Oliver on a daily basis, but I'm not sobbing all day long. I KNOW Oliver is proud of me, NO MATTER WHAT. He is in a place where he most likely understands human emotions in a way none of us on earth can. Just because I'm sad and depressed doesn't mean he's not proud of me. I think I make him proud when I choose to not overdose on my medications... when I choose to deep breathe and count to ten before doing something drastic. I think I make him proud when I say his name and talk about his story with other people. I think I make him proud when we talk about him with his siblings, like he's still alive and well within our family. We still joke around with Oliver even though we can't see him. I think he's proud of me when I get out of bed every day. I think he's proud of me when I kneel down and pray after months of not praying. I think he's proud of me because I KEEP TRYING MY HARDEST to be better... for me... for my family and for him. I know he's not shaking his head in disgust when I cry and miss him... it probably makes him sad and want to help comfort me... but I don't think that by doing that he's less proud of me.
The bottom line is.... I'm doing the best that I can for me and my family right now.... and for the people looking in... you may have your own idea of what YOU would do in my situation, but you are not ME.... so you can leave your advice inside your own head until it is asked for. Otherwise... zip the lip.
---from a grieving momma trying to find my new normal in a world of people that haven't got a clue...