Saturday, March 26, 2011


One of the many emotions I have been dealing with lately is anger.

I am angry at God, because I don't understand why it is Oliver...
I am angry at myself because I feel as if I SHOULD not be angry at God.
I am angry that this is my life right now.
I am angry at people that act like Oliver is already dead.
I am angry at people that act like I've fallen off the face of the planet.
I am angry that I feel like withdrawing from the world because of the hurt that I've felt.
I am angry because of my trials.
I am angry at myself because I should be grateful for my trials.
I am angry that Eden feels like no one cares about her.
I am angry that if Oliver passes, his 1 year old brother may never truly know how much he loved him.
I am angry that this is changing who I am.
I am angry that this is changing who my children are.
I am angry that I have a mental illness on top of this.
I am angry that people don't realize how horrific this is.
I am angry that I can't just shake it off or smile it away.
I am angry when people judge me and think they know what is going on in my life.
I am angry when people say they care and don't call or talk to me in person.
I am angry at this disease that is killing children and no one seems to care.
I am angry that there is no cure for this disease.
I am angry that more children have just passed. Three within 24 hours of one another and I just heard that two more kids passed. These aren't just faces you see on the TV. These families can't just turn the channel. These are our BABIES.

Today I am angry.


smiliesar said...

and it's okay to be angry! HUGS!!!

MusicGirl23 said...

You have every right to be angry. This is something that will never, ever be fair, and nothing will ever, ever make it right. Cancer doesn't discriminate at all, children, healthy middle-aged people, bone cancer dealt to the elderly when all they will do is pump them full of morphine. I too have dealt with anger, mostly the anger at being completely helpless to do anything to stop my mom's pain, torment and dying. I got very angry at the medical system for not looking into things years ago, when she was having some mild symptoms. And for me, channeling my anger back at myself was the easiest thing to do. So take some pride in the fact that you have taken the positive step of writing things down and acknowledging them. From where I stand, having recently lost an immediate family member to an incurable cancer, although it was my not-very-old at all mom (I'm only 20) acknowledging things through writing instead of just having it stew in the brain is huge. Prayers not just for your son but for YOU.

meghan said...

I love ya Stacy. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I am sorry that it is Oliver. Being your friend and watching you go through this is so humbling. I am amazed at your strength even when you might feel you are at your weakest. I know I don't have the right words most of the time, but I am here. And if nothing else, you can count on that. That I will always be here, to listen, to talk to whatever <3

Ana said...

I'm glad that you wrote this. When I read it I just want to take up boxing on your behalf and do some punching ... because you are RIGHT to be angry at so much of this. And with ALL of it you are right to be honest about how you feel.

Fasted for you all today. I wish I could do more from this distance; if you ever think of something I can help you with PLEASE let me know!! You are LOVED!

Anonymous said...

I've not checked in for a little while due to my own ongoing issues. Now here I lie at 05:35am with you last two entries reverberate around my head hitting home and sometimes mimicking my own feelings. Anger at times rages through me and disguises the loneliness, guilt, frustration, confusion embarrassment and sadness I really feel! Right now Stacy, all I feel are empathy for a lady thousands of miles away who I'll never meet or truly comprehend what she's going through!
It's plain to see you are a remarkable woman who's going through a journey no one wants to survives through. Give yourself a huge hug and remind yourself that if this complete stranger can see the amazing person you are, so can everyone around you. They just don't know how to say it.
Thinking of you and your family with special thoughts to Eden who is following in her mother's 'remarkable' footsteps. Hoping all is as good as it can be with Ollie and please note, I may not visit daily, but you and your family are always in my thoughts.

Carey Kenchington

MomOfAllTrades said...

OH, sweetie... I just read this. I pray for you EVERY day. I know that NOTHING can take away the pain for you. All the things you are feeling are natural, and it's OKAY. I am angry with you. This just isn't how it's supposed to be. I was SO mad at God for years for taking my baby from me. He knows, sweetie. He has suffered everything for you and all of us. I'm sorry that people don't approach you because they don't know what to say, and it makes them uncomfortable. Pray for them, that's all you can do. Because some day they will be in a position that they will need comfort, and someone will do that to them, and they will KNOW how much it HURTS. I am SO glad you posted this. Get it all out. Phineas will know how much Oliver loved him, because YOU will tell him. Don't tell yourself you should be grateful for your trials. Feel angry, this is HARD. You will be blessed, but it doesn't mean it's easy. You do NOT have to be grateful for this trial right now. AND, please PLEASE do not feel like you have to put up a front for other people. For your kiddo, maybe, but not for other people. If they don't like your emotions, TOO DAMN BAD. Like you said, this is your baby and you can't just turn the channel. You are loved and you are not alone.