This is a dark and lonely place to be. This is not going to be a cheery post. So... if that bothers you. Stop reading.
THIS is my life. This roller coaster of emotions that comes with having a terminally ill child trying to stay upbeat for the sake of my child, my family and for everyone else around me is exhausting. IF... someone asks me how I am I usually answer 'fine' as to not have to burden them with any depressing issues and appease their conscience to ask how I am in passing as if it's a duty, a small duty to ask and then be off the hook. As you can tell this journey is making me more bitter toward people. People can talk the talk, but RARELY do they walk the walk. This is mainly coming from the fact that I have seen more kindness and love in absolute strangers than I have in friends and aquaintances. Now... you think... oh no... that's going to piss someone off, but in actuality, I don't think I could be ignored and forgotten about more than I feel at present. I'm just being honest with what I feel and what I've seen. I am utterly grateful for the kindness of the few friends that I have and the kindness that strangers have shown to Oliver and our family. This post is in regards to the feeling that nags on a daily basis of why I feel so alone.
I admit I have withdrawn from others because you don't want to be a burden in everyone else's happy day. I don't want to suddenly go off on someone that is going on about how rough their day has been when I'm struggling with the fact that my kid is dying. I don't want to be around people that are talking about death and dying not realizing what it is causing me to feel always having that on my mind. Also, I don't want to talk with people that really don't care. I'm not going to confide in someone who wants to look like they are there for me around other people and then are no where in sight when I need them. I'm always wondering what people will think of me and scared that people will think less of me if I honestly share this side of this journey... the dark and lonely side that accompanies what we are going through. I don't want to be the weak one that has lost their positive outlook and hope but it is what it is. I guess the time has come where I just don't care. This is MY journal. People will think what they want to think and judge me based on what they THINK they know. This is for me and hopefully to help others that are going through something similar to know they they aren't alone in feeling lonely and forgotten about. For me, it's even more difficult with the dreaded mental illness to go with it, feeling emotions 100 times stronger than 'normal'. That's another post for another day.
I'm so sick of giving people the benefit of the doubt... "They just don't know what to say", "people don't know how to handle grief". Well... guess what... if my grief is difficult for you... guess how I freakin' feel when you don't even acknowledge my existence anymore!!!!! *insert frustrated scream* I'm to the breaking point. No one wants to talk about it, like it's not happening. If I don't look, maybe it will just go away. Serving others and loving others is drilled into our fibers every Sunday at church. Hmmmm... maybe I'm not the right type of person to deserve that love from my fellow church going crowd. I'm not a squeaky enough wheel? I'm not in a certain cliche? Who knows... I've been struggling with people. I've been struggling with God. I've been struggling... period. I just don't get this life. 'The gospel is perfect... the people aren't". If I hear that quote one more time I might just vomit a little. So... that is the answer for everything. I don't know. I want to believe in 'the plan'. I want to believe in the good of humanity. I REALLY WANT TO. I hate feeling this way. I hate being so lonely and feel like people just don't care. I'm usually a more outgoing person, but this is making me more of a hermit. Not wanting to put myself out there to be hurt, because I am hurting so much right now.
Life changed the day Ollie was diagnosed. I've been grieving ever since. I've been dealing with the thoughts of wanting to get in a car accident and other harmful things because if he dies... I don't want to live. I don't want to live with the pain of not having him hear. It's already almost too much to bear having the knowledge of his diagnosis and if it were to ever come to fruition I honestly don't know how I can live every day. This is my reality. I KNOW that I have a husband and other children to live for. But... that's really about it. I'm not the same person I was before he was diagnosed. I hope that someday I can get some of me back, but I will NEVER, EVER be the same. This year has taught me a lot. It has opened my eyes to how people are. The good and the bad. I honestly feel some days that people act like he's already dead. Out of sight, out of mind?! Who knows... but, that's how I feel. If he does pass I really don't care to see people at his funeral acting like they care when they weren't around during THIS difficult time. It makes me angry and so hurt. I just shake my head. You try to be a good friend when you can and then expect the same in return when life gets hard for you and when things aren't reciprocated... well... it hurts, it makes you angry, it's confusing. This is where I am right now. Not a happy place to be. I am learning to be an island. Well... an island with my husband and little children islands... although sometimes I need more. But... sometimes you can't get what you want no matter how much you want it.