I've been listening more intently to music lyrics lately, mainly the music of The Killers since those are the CD's that are in my van and my kids are always requesting their songs and I happen to love them. One thing I love about music is that the same song can mean so many different things to different people. We tend to hear things that trigger memories of our own lives and bring all sorts of emotions up. So many songs have so many verses that just stir something in me, especially with the struggles of this journey.
There is one part of a song that hits close to home when I feel like a failure... that I'm not living up to what other people think I should be doing. "And I'm sick of all my judges, so scared of what they'll find..." No one is perfect. I think we are all scared of the skeletons in our closets... the things that we don't want anyone to know about... the things that we struggle with in our daily lives. We all have short comings and we aren't here to judge anyone. I still need to learn this. I think at times I'm learning it the hard way. I just hope in time I can be okay with myself. To let go of things I can't control and give up on trying to be perfect for the people that have no authority to judge me.
Most people that know me know that I struggle with a mental illness and with that comes the sick and twisted thoughts of suicide. One thing I wish people could understand is that we DON'T like to feel this way. We don't say we feel this way to get attention. It is a horrible thing to truly feel like a failure and be so miserable with life, lost, alone and sad that sometimes you really feel that death is the best option. It's such a consuming thought at times when emotions are raging and it feels like you can't physically deal with things anymore. I've felt as though every episode I can get through is a battle that is won. And spiritually speaking I feel that I am up against the devil every day. "I saw the devil wrapping up his hands, he's getting ready for the showdown..." He wants us to be miserable like him and I think that having a mental illness allows him easier access into our minds and helps to distort our thoughts about ourselves and about the reality of life. I can relate to Cinderella in this song... "Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep, it's such a bitter form of refuge. Why don't you know the kingdom's under siege and everybody needs you..." I can see 'sleep' meaning two things for me personally. Sleep as in sleeping excessively as those who suffer from depression often do. It is the only time we can get away from life, from our thoughts and emotions. It is a refuge... a safe place. I can also see 'sleep' as meaning death. Dealing with suicidal thoughts and thinking of 'going to sleep' as a way to shelter myself from the pain of dealing with the emotions and reality of the difficult things in life. The kingdom is under siege... my household and family is under fire from Satan and my family needs me. My kids still need me. My husband still needs me. I don't know... it gets me through my difficult times. It helps me to truly see that I need to keep 'fighting' the devil and his crafty ways. I need to 'endure to the end'. This song makes me cry every time and I think I know what it is truly about which makes me cry as well. Ah... life is hard for so many people... "If you can hold on...
If you can hold on... hold on........................."
"God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know." This makes me think of Oliver dealing with what he has to think about on a daily basis. He knows what is going on. He knows he's dying and he has hope that he will live again, but he's still scared. I'm still scared of the unknown.
Anyways... there are so many other songs of theirs that stir something in me... these are just a few that I've been listening to a lot.
I'm so grateful for music.