Sunday, January 22, 2012

Music and Lyrics

I've been listening more intently to music lyrics lately, mainly the music of The Killers since those are the CD's that are in my van and my kids are always requesting their songs and I happen to love them. One thing I love about music is that the same song can mean so many different things to different people. We tend to hear things that trigger memories of our own lives and bring all sorts of emotions up. So many songs have so many verses that just stir something in me, especially with the struggles of this journey.

There is one part of a song that hits close to home when I feel like a failure... that I'm not living up to what other people think I should be doing. "And I'm sick of all my judges, so scared of what they'll find..." No one is perfect. I think we are all scared of the skeletons in our closets... the things that we don't want anyone to know about... the things that we struggle with in our daily lives. We all have short comings and we aren't here to judge anyone. I still need to learn this. I think at times I'm learning it the hard way. I just hope in time I can be okay with myself. To let go of things I can't control and give up on trying to be perfect for the people that have no authority to judge me.

Most people that know me know that I struggle with a mental illness and with that comes the sick and twisted thoughts of suicide. One thing I wish people could understand is that we DON'T like to feel this way. We don't say we feel this way to get attention. It is a horrible thing to truly feel like a failure and be so miserable with life, lost, alone and sad that sometimes you really feel that death is the best option. It's such a consuming thought at times when emotions are raging and it feels like you can't physically deal with things anymore. I've felt as though every episode I can get through is a battle that is won. And spiritually speaking I feel that I am up against the devil every day. "I saw the devil wrapping up his hands, he's getting ready for the showdown..." He wants us to be miserable like him and I think that having a mental illness allows him easier access into our minds and helps to distort our thoughts about ourselves and about the reality of life. I can relate to Cinderella in this song... "Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep, it's such a bitter form of refuge. Why don't you know the kingdom's under siege and everybody needs you..." I can see 'sleep' meaning two things for me personally. Sleep as in sleeping excessively as those who suffer from depression often do. It is the only time we can get away from life, from our thoughts and emotions. It is a refuge... a safe place. I can also see 'sleep' as meaning death. Dealing with suicidal thoughts and thinking of 'going to sleep' as a way to shelter myself from the pain of dealing with the emotions and reality of the difficult things in life. The kingdom is under siege... my household and family is under fire from Satan and my family needs me. My kids still need me. My husband still needs me. I don't know... it gets me through my difficult times. It helps me to truly see that I need to keep 'fighting' the devil and his crafty ways. I need to 'endure to the end'. This song makes me cry every time and I think I know what it is truly about which makes me cry as well. Ah... life is hard for so many people... "If you can hold on...
If you can hold on... hold on........................."

"God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know." This makes me think of Oliver dealing with what he has to think about on a daily basis. He knows what is going on. He knows he's dying and he has hope that he will live again, but he's still scared. I'm still scared of the unknown.

Anyways... there are so many other songs of theirs that stir something in me... these are just a few that I've been listening to a lot.

I'm so grateful for music.


meghan said...

What an amazing post. You are strong. Hang in there. So many people love you and your family. Including us. <3

The "A" Palmers said...

Stacy--that is so beautifully spoken. You have our prayers, Nephi to Budapest and all points inbetween. -Aaron

Michele said...

Stacy, your candid honesty is amazing. Nobody has the right to judge you. You are on the most difficult journey any parent would be made to participate in. There are no rules with DIPG it would seem.

You have done everything in your power to help Ollie battle this dreadful disease and he has fought longer than many other children had the chance to. Be proud of your parenting. Be proud of your achievements and most of all be proud of the love you are giving those children every single day.

Anonymous said...

Stay strong Stacy!!! Just let what some people say bounce off you! Until they walk in your shoes, NOBODY can judge....besides...we have one judge...the Lord God.

Shar said...

I have only had one suicidal episode and i know exactly what you mean. it feels like your soul is separated into body vs. spirit. your body is saying, this is just TOO MUCH and i know the easiest way out! vs. you spirit saying you can do this. people need you. you're not done here.

i have also found talking openly about it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but i've also found so many people are grateful to you for being willing to share something so personal because a LOT of people suffer with the same thing, but they do it silently.

i love you stacy. you are not alone. hang in there my friend

Hope, in a hurry! said...

Thanks for sharing these thoughts so honestly - I can so relate to what you said about our own distorted thoughts sometimes being the tool Satan uses to tear us down. We can be our own worst enemies. I have to work hard, also, to recognize and battle against those thoughts. I cannot imagine how you are finding the courage, grace, and even some humor at times as you walk this part of your life's journey. It just has to be supernatural - God's help. He chose YOU to be the mother of your lovely family, and so you are the perfect mother for them -- even when you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, exhausted, inadequate, and afraid. You don't know me at all, but I pray for you often because Oliver has touched my heart, and I know you need all the love and support you can get. <3