Post Christmas Gingerbread Houses and other January Randoms

January 2012

First of all, I would like to say THANK YOU to the family that donated their table and chairs to us. We've never had a new table or chairs. Our first table was given to us by a church friend and we bought some slightly mismatched and scratched chairs for it at a going out of business sale. Throughout our nearly 12 years of marriage we've had to say goodbye to several of our chairs. Many slow motion falls have happened throughout the years resulting an a pile of wooden rubble beneath our not so skinny behinds. So for a family of six, down to three chairs, we've been using upside down laundry baskets and Oliver's shower chair for our family dinners and the like. A wonderful stranger heard of our need and gladly gave us her table and six chairs. Bringing to mind a line from the movie Robots 'See a need... Fill a need'. I'm in love with the table already because it has a leaf in it and is so much bigger than our other one. We do so much at our kitchen table that I am thrilled to have gotten it. It will be in good hands... well... crafty hands. It will be well used. :O) So... here are some pictures of us actually making Gingerbread Houses... er... Graham cracker... er... candy houses! I don't have the patience or time to make my own gingerbread so graham crackers it is! ENJOY!!!

GINGERBREAD HOUSES
We invited Ed's brother, Danny and his wife, Jamie over with their little ones.

I dyed the 'glue' pink this year. Eden getting ready to add some goodies!

Oliver putting his house together with dad.

Someone sent Oliver this awesome Cubs shirt with his name on the back!

Laughing at his house. Not sure if he liked it or not. I'm sure Ed was probably making fun of his own building skills.

Daddy helping Finny with our house.

"Yes, Finn... please wipe that frosting right on your jammies... go ahead."

Mine and Finny's finished house. I think he's saying "CHEESE!"

Eden would do a nice smiling pic for me so here she is in all her geeked out glory!

Carson, age 2, Jamie, Phineas, age 2

Kaylee and Daddy's house looks like it was condemned... hence the boo hoo look on Danny's face!

Darling pic of my nephew, Carson, who is 3 months older than my Phineas.

Ed showing us all the sweet houses. And no... we do NOT eat the candy off the houses.

JANUARY RANDOMS
The boys all fell asleep together on Ollie's bed in the living room. I love how Jaren's hand is ALWAYS in his pants...

Oliver sitting at the table drawing in a Harry Potter sketchpad I got him for Christmas.

Playing with play dough. Making pizzas.

A nice balloon bouquet someone sent Oliver.

Finn trying to do some pull ups with Daddy.

"Show me your muscles, Finny!!!"

Brotherly love...

Going for a walk with the boys on a beautiful, sunny January day where there is no snow on the ground or in the skies. Craziness.

This is what a glasses thief looks like. I LOVE his face in this picture!

Thursday, January 5th

Tonight Oliver ate dinner and then complained of some stomach pain. He went to the restroom and had a bowel movement, but we didn't know if it was impacted bowels, kidney stones or his appendix or what it was. We called Hospice, but I just wanted to get him to the ER immediately because you could tell that he was experiencing a lot of pain and the children's dose of Tylenol wasn't doing much to help. So Ed and I drove him to the ER where we waited in the waiting room at least 15 to 20 minutes watching him writhe and groan in pain. We held his hands, held a wet towel on his head and sang him some songs to try and help him get through the pain until they could get him in a room and see him. We got him into a room and they did blood work and vitals and such and then he had a CT scan to check for what was possibly causing his pain. After a bit, his pain went away with no meds and the doctor came in later and said that he's full of crap. They said it was impacted bowels, gave us a laxative drink to get into him and told us to take cover because it can go through ya fast! Anyways... I'll leave the nasty stuff out... he feels much better now. I can't hardly stand watching him in pain. When I was singing to him I couldn't hardly get through some of the words without choking up. I'm going to need a lot more strength to be able to deal with all the things that are lying ahead.


PLEASE KEEP PRAYING FOR NO PAIN FOR OLIVER, FOR HIM TO BE AT PEACE WITH THE REALIZATION THAT HE WILL MOST LIKELY BE DYING SOON. PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR FAMILY TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE WHAT COMES, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, FINANCIALLY. THIS HAS BEEN EXHAUSTING IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. THANK YOU FOR CONTINUING TO THINK OF US ALL IN YOUR PRAYERS.

Ollie

Ollie's breathing has been quite labored over the past several days, which has been worrying me. The steroids he is taking are horrible for what they are doing to his body. He's ravenously hungry all the time and has gained a horrible amount of weight in such a short time. Poor kid. He still has sleeping issues, but hasn't been sleeping as much through the day as he was a few weeks ago. He's been saying a few things that just take my breath away. He told Ed and I yesterday... "I'm going to die soon aren't I?" How do you even begin to respond to that. Does HE know? Is the Spirit preparing him for it??

Last week my friend was over helping with dinner and getting Eden's birthday party off to a start and Ollie was sitting on the couch and just started crying. He said that he didn't know why he was crying and then said, "Cancer is strong." I told him that he's been so strong in battling it. He has so much on his mind and he doesn't speak much about it. He just keeps most of it in until he can't handle it and then breaks down in tears. He's been not wanting to spend the night anywhere lately either. I think it's because he's afraid to die anywhere else but home.

This whole situation makes me feel ill... absolutely ill. It has been two years of constant wonder... when is it going to happen? How is it ultimately going to take him? I know it sounds sick and hopeless to say that, but it is a sick and hopeless situation. We were given a death sentence when we heard the words 'Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma'. Do the research and you will realize that kids generally pass away within 9 - 12 months. We have had no hope. The only hope I've been holding onto is the hope that one day I will see him again. Even that faith has been shaken throughout this journey.

We've been trying to focus on daily things to do during the holidays and have had fun painting ornaments and decorating the Christmas tree, but I'm just not in the Christmas spirit this as much year. Now I understand why so many people dislike the holidays when a loved one is ill or has passed away. The holidays are supposed to be full of joy and gladness, but I'm just feeling like I'm holding on by a thread. While most people are fussing over getting their Christmas shopping done or Christmas cards sent out, I'm racking my brain with trying to figure out what more we can do for Oliver. I just feel like there is nothing more we can do. I've seen this journey played out in so many other children... too many other children.

I just feel lost... masking my pain with busywork around the house, trying to stay strong in front of the kids and everyone else. Pain and grief really do make a person a great actor. There is so much more that goes on behind the smile that I try and have plastered on my face. I can't hardly handle this pain that I am in and I don't think anyone else that I talk to can even comprehend it. I just feel like most people don't understand. They just can't understand. Life has brought on so many emotions which is utterly overwhelming, especially now. The other day I just sobbed until I was hoarse and my eyelids were swollen. Probably the worst cry that I'd had since he was diagnosed nearly two years ago. The reality of what is happening just hits you at the strangest times and spirals out of control. I just laid in my bed and screamed into my pillow. I thought my head was going to explode. Sometimes I feel like I just can't hold on any longer.

Everyone says that we are lucky we've had two years with him and although I agree that we have truly been blessed with that, it's been a nightmare living each day wondering when the tumor would start to grow again, because it always does. Will he live until his birthday? Will he live until Christmas? Do you have any idea what that is like?! That is the way that the DIPG story plays out. Everyone has their opinion or their advice to give, which I try and listen to, again with a smile on my face always trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt because they just don't get it, when sometimes I just want to start screaming and say, "You have NO CLUE what the last two years have been like!!!" EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S JOURNEY IS DIFFERENT. I also have a mental illness that rears its ugly head on a daily basis and another child that won't eat and may need a feeding tube. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day long. "You've got to be strong for your kids." Yes... yes... I know that and when I break down sobbing??? Does that mean I'm a failure because I just couldn't keep it together in that moment? I just can't hold it all together all the time. I can't do everything that everyone else thinks that I should be doing. I can only do what I can do. I can only run as fast as I have strength and right now... I feel like I'm crawling. I haven't given up... I'm still here and haven't taken any drastic measures. I have just felt lost for two years. Up and down, up and down. My world is just spinning out of control and I just feel like I can never measure up.

TIRED * OVERWHELMED * SAD * WORRIED * SCARED * RUSHED * I just feel like life is in fast forward and we are just scrambling to get through the day and make memories. Rush, rush, rush. I want to slow down and just enjoy the time we have left with Ollie.

Christmas Morning

December 25, 2010 - Christmas morning at home

We recently started staying home for Christmas since the kids are older and can remember having Christmas morning in our own house. Ed made a delicious breakfast casserole this year. We always have the kids open their stockings first. Then we had Oliver play Santa and hand out the gifts. Everyone watches as each person opens their gift. This tends to stretch out the excitement and fun more!

2010 Christmas Tree

Eden and Oliver

Ollie scoping out some gifts to hand out...

I got Ollie some marbles and a marble mat online that he loved. One of my favorites was one that was painted to look like the Earth. We've been playing marbles a lot lately... usually around 3 am as neither one of us can sleep!!

It looks like this box of cars should be a baseball glove... hence the sporty pose. Jaren LOVES matchbox cars and thinks each and every one he finds are his!

An Air Hog motorcycle -- The big guy came through for him!

Eden LOVES her blue camera!

This year I started taking pictures of the kids and the stuff they got each year. My mom used to do that for us and I love to see the stuff that was popular each year!

Oliver - age 9

Eden - age 8

Jaren's loot minus Jaren, age 3 1/2

Jaren playing with the 'Boom-whackers' from West Music.

Aunt Jamie, Uncle Danny and Carson all came over to rock it out with Rock Band on the Wii.

Finny, age 1, and Uncle Danny. I LOVE this picture!

Christmas afternoon at Ed's parents house

Finny and Ed

Ollie and his 'pieces of eight'!

Finn and Grandpa Palmer

Love this picture of Carson and his little Buddha belly!

Bear examining Carson's present!

Jare was tickling Carson. They have lots of fun playing together!

Jaren petting Buddy. I'm surprised he's not growling and bearing his teeth in this picture! It took me 8 years to get that dog to stop harassing me! :O)

Christmas at Mom's & Our Christmas Eve Dinner

CHRISTMAS AT MOM'S -

Mom's tree the kids helped to decorate. Ollie loves decorating the trees.

Finny mooching some goodies from Uncle Bryan

Ollie the kid and Ollie the elephant :O)

She's all set for a "Dexter" marathon!

Helping Finny open some presents.

*LOVES*

Willie opening his present!

Ollie and Max. He's gotten so big!!

Wrestle Mania! Finn's even getting in on the action!

Max hiding in the box.

Willie likes the silhouette of himself that I made for my mom!

Gram loves Dexter!

Opening gifts

Daddy and Jare Bear

Finny

Ollie's Treasures

Eden's Treasures

Jaren's Treasures

Finny's Treasures

And... the night wouldn't be complete without a pic of Jaren with his hands in his pants! What a funny kid!

*****

CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER & ROCK BAND

Christmas Eve Dinner

THE MENU:
Bruschetta
Red, Green and regular cheese filled tortellini
Tossed green salad with yellow tomatoes
Sparkling cider
Molten Lava Cakes with Strawberries

Who is this wild man?! George of the Jungle, perhaps?!

Ed, Jaren, Uncle Chad, Grandma, Eden, Phineas, Oliver and Uncle Bryan
Ollie always loves lighting the candles... hence the lighter in his hot little hand! Don't worry, he only uses it when an adult is present! :O)

Opening a gift from a friend of my cousin's who wanted to get Oliver a big Christmas surprise!

I think the kids had a little too much fun in the packing peanuts!!

At last... it was ROCK BAND! What a fun gift! We've had a blast playing it this Christmas vacation! Thank you, Mona!

Oliver likes the guitar the best!

Let's get ready to ROCK!!!