February -- Valentine's Day & Ollie's peaceful transition

FEBRUARY 2012

These two weeks have been the most trying days of my entire life. Two weeks ago I was in a place I never thought I'd be. Ollie had been struggling to speak and it was harder and harder to understand him. It was a difficult time for me as my medications were being changed and I was teetering on the edge of sanity I think because of it. It's been hard the last couple of months as it seems that everyone seems to just want Daddy. Due to my whacked out mental illness I, of course, took it personally and have been struggling with the fact that no one wants mom for anything. I know that Ed is the only one that could lift him and help in many more physical ways than I could. He'd gained so much weight, lost his the ability to move and I deal with back issues so of course he needs Ed. I had been struggling before, but when Oliver struggled to get out the words, "I love you, Dad" and then said nothing to me... I just lost it and went into a tailspin of sorts. I think only people who have been suicidal can't understand the feeling of pain and anguish that consumes your entire being. I sat and waited for him to say something to me... but nothing. And those were the last words I ever heard him speak. I was sad, I was angry. WHY??? Why does everyone want Dad? I just thought... 'fine... everyone can just have Dad' and thought 'screw it'. No one wants me here anyways so just screw it. And I snapped. I did what I never thought I could ever do. Never in my life did I ever think it would be possible for me to actually try and do it, but I did. I became 'that person'. Oh great... I'm now one of 'thooooooose people' whose lives are completely out of control and actually try to do themselves in. I will forever have that label attached to me. So many thoughts swirled through my head and I wanted to just run away so no one would find me and be able to stop me, but then I think sanity finally found its' way back into my brain and I was scared. I was scared that they wouldn't be able to save me because I took so many pills. I was scared that it would hurt to pump my stomach. I was scared to have to face my reality. I was scared, I was anguished, I was angry, I was mad at myself for being so weak, I was embarrassed at becoming what I was. I was consumed by grief. My son is dying. How am I going to live my life without him? How am I going to be able to go on every day without that smiling boy next to me, how will I eat everyday at the table with an empty seat across from me? (I understand that my kids and husband need me... believe me... I do, so please don't feel like you need to counsel me on that. I'm in a different place now.)

The more I thought about it, and I had lots of time to think for the following few days, the more I realized that, "My kids may act like they don't WANT me, but they NEED me." I really tried to delve down deep inside and get at why they just gravitate toward dad. Well... I'm the scary mom with the mental illness that is like Jekell and Hyde some days and daddy is the easy going one that lets everything just roll off of his back. AWESOME. I may have given him memories of parties and trips, but dad can give him his knowledge of the gospel and the plan of salvation. I can't. Again... AWESOME. Wow... completely feeling like a ball of crap right about now. I can give him fun and fluff, but Ed can give him what he truly needs. A situation like this really makes you take a hard look at yourself and life. I really need to do more than I have been doing to get my life back in some sort of order. I just feel so lost and out of control. So I was still in-patient at the hospital and Ed said Oliver wasn't doing well, so I talked with my doctor the next day and let me leave early because he was actually being transported to our local Hospice Home. I don't think I would have ever forgiven myself had he passed away when I was in the hospital myself although I know that is where I needed to be at the time. The next few days were difficult seeing him decline more and more each day. He hadn't eaten or spoken in several days and his breathing had been getting more and more labored.

FEBRUARY 14, 2012 - Our final Valentine's Dinner with everyone...

Eden and Ed

Oliver and his favorite -- Chocolate covered strawberries!

Sweet boy, asleep.

Thank you to all my friends that helped with the Valentine's decorations and food. We couldn't have done it without your help!

Someone else that was visiting the Hospice House put this inside the door, as we were all sleeping at the time. Very sweet of her.

Sweet boy. Oh... my heart. He loved Dance Marathon that's for sure.

Ed giving Ollie some sparkling cider from dinner since he hadn't eaten food for several days.

Trying to keep him as comfortable as we could.

Aubrey getting more cider.

Finny just blends right in with the red balloons!

Mmmmm... dessert!

Grandma (my mom) -- the Valentine Bandit.

My brother, Chad and my niece, Addison.

Aunt Emily, Ollie, Grandma, Brother Finny

Eden and cousins Natalie and Aubrey

My sweets...

We still celebrated Valentine's day with our traditional family Valentine's dinner. It was hard eating in front of him. I did give him some sparkling cider through a straw though. Each day, he lost something else. He couldn't sip through a straw anymore and so he choked if he got too much in when I actually put it into his mouth. His breathing sounded so crackly and raspy. It sounded like someone was in an old rocking chair rocking back and forth very quickly. Tensions were high and I will spare details of many of my frustrations at the situation I had currently found myself in. I needed to have alone time with him and Ed and there were just so many people in the room at the same time and I felt so frustrated. We finally got that time to ourselves. I read to him, we sang to him (Nearer My God to Thee, A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief, Be Still My Soul, Come Come Ye Saints, etc.), I did a Mary Kay 'Satin Hands' treatment on his hands and massaged his legs and feet. I laid on the bed next to him and just ran my fingers through his hair and kissed his cheeks as much as I could.

Then I was in so much pain I was on the floor like that. My mom took me to the ER and they found that I had three kidney stones. This ended up hurting until about an hour before Oliver passed away a day and a half later. Plus, the day we got to the hospice house, I had the stomach flu and was laying on the cold bathroom floor there until I got up enough strength to go home, take some NyQuil and sleep for several hours. Aunt Flo paid a visit, I was having headaches from medication changes and then a horrible cold that I still have a week later. All this is going on with my own physical body and I'm like... "WHY NOW?!" I can't miss any more time with him. I can't sleep right now... I have to be well for Oliver. I was just floored as to all the pain I was in, but then I tried to think of Oliver and how he never complains... so I just had to suck it up. Oh well... do what you have to do.

FEBRUARY 15, 2012 - So many friends were in and out visiting the last few days. Amy, Meghan, Andrea, Mrs. Klein (Oliver's Kindergarten teacher), Woody, Katelyn, Bishop and Susie, and so many family members and other friends of ours and my mom's came. Lindsay and Krista and their kids came in with lots of balloons and valentines from all the kids in Primary at church. It was hard to see Sydney and Haylie crying as they saw Ollie. We've known them for so long and Ollie said that Sydney was one of 'his best girls'. They talked to him, although he couldn't speak, he gave a half smile and they both gave him a kiss on the cheek. Two of Oliver's best friends visited him on the night before he passed away. Nick came to read him some of the Valentine's that his class at school had sent and would get choked up reading some of them. What a sweet kid. I just love his whole family. Eden is best friends with his younger sister, McKenzie, who I used to babysit when her and Eden were in Preschool together. Then his good friend Takoda came with his Uncle Devon, who is actually their age, and his mom and dad. They are some good people, too. Such sweet, sweet people we have been blessed to meet because of our children. Takoda read 'Charlie's Superhero Underpants' and then talked to him and sat while Oliver laid next to him. He did manage to crack a few small half smiles there at the end. He'd been throwing up several times as well and so things were just getting harder and harder for him to do. They stayed for a long time and we had a great time talking with them. Takoda had given him a hug and kissed him on the cheek. Seriously... a sweet and compassionate young man.

Devon, Takoda and Ollie

Cassie (Takoda's mom), Takoda and Ollie. This is the last photo of Ollie that I have. Sweet, sweet boy.

Later, Katelyn, our University of Iowa Dance Marathon family representative, who met Oliver last year and just adores him stopped by at like 11 pm or so and chatted for a bit and then headed home. I was grateful that she had stopped by tonight because she had been planning on stopping by on Thursday night. After most people had left, my brother, Chad, Ed's brother, Randy, Ed and I and Oliver were the last ones that remained in the room. I kept having a song by the Dixie Chicks in my head called "Godspeed". "Godspeed, little man... sweet dreams, little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings. Godspeed. Sweet dreams."

FEBRUARY 16, 2012 - He was only there for four days. We did a lot of swabbing the saliva out of his mouth and a morphine drip for any pain he may have had. It was easier to manage before the pain started. He never complained, ever. Unreal. His breathing got worse and worse and Ed used the suctioning machine and got out a lot of foamy white stuff and there was some blood in the tube. I knew it wouldn't be much longer. I didn't think he would make it through the day and I was right. Everyone else was sleeping, but I stayed up with Oliver as he slept, his breathing still really crackly and loud. I sat next to him in a chair and suddenly realized that I could only hear the whirring of the fan and the droning of the oxygen tank and not his breathing. Before I looked up at his face... I just knew. I knew he was gone. I looked up and instantly knew and I looked at the clock... it was 4:15 am. I woke up Ed and said, "I think he's gone." The nurses came in and he let out a breath, but we knew he was already gone. It looked like he was sleeping. I KNOW that he left the way he wanted to because it was like he quietly 'snuck out the back door', just like Ed said. He wouldn't have wanted us to be crying or worried, so he peacefully left while we were all unaware. What a sweet, sweet boy. Always caring for everyone else.

Randy went to pick up Eden and I think Ed's dad brought Finny and Jaren... unless Jaren stayed with us that night... I can't even remember. Eden was scared to come into the room because she didn't want to see him laying there, but I said he just looked like he was sleeping and he was at peace. I was shocked because after she came in she kept touching him and kissing him and touching his hair. The boys didn't really understand it, of course, but I wanted them there anyways. We stayed in there with him for about an hour and a half later and then called the funeral home to come and pick him up. I kissed him and ran my finger along the curve of his nose. I couldn't believe the day had finally come to say goodbye to him. We followed him outside on the gurney and went to our car, I couldn't bear to see his face covered up in a body bag. We drove home and started the funeral planning. I still hadn't really cried much, later realizing that it is because of the SHOCK stage of grief. A numbness had overcome me, a small gift from God, to be able to function while planning the funeral and signing papers and all the stuff that comes after a death. We went to the funeral home and got things squared away and then to the cemetery to pick out a plot. Lot #33... ironically the age of Ed and I at Ollie's passing. We have plots next to him as well. So much of the next few days are a blur...

Valentine's Day - "Let's SHARE THE LOVE"

Valentine's Dinner 2007

Valentine's Day is the one of best times of the year to let someone know that you love them. Our annual Valentine's Day dinner is one of Oliver's FAVORITE family traditions that we started when he was probably 3, so for the last 7 years, every Valentine's Day dinner is spent with our family... the ones we love the most. We go all out and have candles, rose petals, dim lights, light classical music playing in the background and fancy Italian foods.

I think it would be fun to challenge everyone to tell at least ONE person in your life how you feel about them... good feelings... we are trying to spread the love here!!! Sometimes we let life get too crazy, we are too stressed and overworked to say those three simple words. People need to know that you love them because you never know when life will no longer give you that chance to say it. It doesn't matter how you do it, face to face, in a card, poem, song or through a gift of service. Be nicer to one another and the love will more easily flow. Anyways... just a thought. Oliver has inspired me to be kinder to people and has made me realize that they may need the love that someone is not giving to them. You never know the pain someone is hiding behind their smile.


LOVE NOTES to OLLIE
If you'd like to send Ollie a Valentine's Card and tell about the effects of your challenge that would be great! I don't know if he will make it to see Valentine's Day or not. Things have been happening more and more that lead us to believe that he may have weeks to days left. I'd love to see his face when he gets the 'love' notes from people that he's inspired to do better, to be better and to keep trying no matter what. I know it makes a difference to hear it from someone other than just mom and dad. :O)

The Lovable Oliver Palmer
417 Oaklawn Ave.
Waterloo, IA 50701

I'm trying to think of other special things to do this year to make it a little more special for him since it may be the last holiday we get to spend with him... if we are to be so lucky. Thank you for sharing the love!!!

Happy New Year from HOGWARTS!

December 31, 2011 - January 1, 2012

I wasn't sure if Ollie was going to make it to the new year, but I wanted to make it special and memorable if he did, so we went all out for a Harry Potter New Year's celebration! I only had a day and a half to plan, but was lucky enough to have many decorations because of his new Harry Potter bedroom. Two of my good friends and their families came over for the festivities and helped me out so much throughout the night.

Oliver had gotten me the Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook for Christmas and I was wanting to make some things from there, but just didn't have the time. Our house has been a constant disaster because we just haven't had time to clean. Our living room is a makeshift hospital room with all of Ollie's medical needs set up. We tried the best that we could to squeeze everyone in and make it a fun night. Ollie wasn't feeling well and stayed in his bed the whole time, but helped out in potions class and told me where to hide the snitch. He also got to have some butterbeer and was placed in Gryffindor House by the sorting hat, a gift he gave to Eden this Christmas. He was in and out of sleep, but hopefully had fun when he was awake.

***THE POTTER PARTY***

THE SORTING CEREMONY

Each child would sit on a stool and we'd place the sorting hat on their head and the hat would actually tell them, in a pre-recorded voice, what house they were in. Then they would receive a matching scarf to symbolize their house and the next child would come up. Oliver was first and I placed the hat on his head while Ed helped him lean forward. Of course he was placed in Gryffindor and so I put his scarf around him and he laid back down. Everyone clapped and cheered and he had a big smile on his face. It was so fun to see the kids reactions to what house they were placed in. Too funny! The hat would say one of these three things.

"Plenty of courage I see, not a bad mind either. There's talent, oh yes, and a thirst to prove yourself, but where to put you??? Mmmmm... difficult, very difficult... GRYFFINDOR!!!"

"I know... HUFFLEPUFF!!"

"SLYTHERIN"

Gryffindor - Oliver, Meghan, Kaden, Kael
Slytherin - Jaren, Briea, Cullan
Hufflepuff - Eden (She's Cho Chang and loved being in the same house as 'Edward Cullen')
Ravenclaw - Phineas, Ayla (ages 2 & 1)

THE FEAST
After the sorting ceremony we had a buffet set up of all sorts of finger foods. Drum sticks, a relish tray, chips and dip, little smokies, cheese and crackers and of course, Butterbeer. Amy made it with cream soda, Redi-whip, and butter flavoring. It was so good! Some of the little kids couldn't even lift up the mugs because they were so big! Ginormous... as Ollie would say. I wanted to make pumpkin juice, pumpkin pasties and rock cakes, but just didn't have the time. I'm sure we'll do it this week as I have all the ingredients.


THE TRI WIZARD TOURNAMENT
After we cleared off the food, we set up the potions class on the table where Ollie could see it as well. We had lots of old glass bottles filled with some potion ingredients. For example, white vinegar and baking soda which of course had cooler names like 'goblin pee' and 'crushed dragon bones'. The kids would take turns coming up and helping us add the ingredients. Briea, who will be 3 in March, gasped in amazement when one of the potions started bubbling and foaming up. So funny! Oliver even got to make his own potion.

*The First Task - Successfully brew your own potion. The kids were having a hay day with this! They used their wands, chopsticks, to stir their concoctions together.

*The Second Task - Create and draw your own crest. I printed off a downloadable coloring page off of the internet so they could fill it in themselves. They were excited about it and Eden ended up making two of them.

*The Third Task - Find the Golden Snitch. Since I knew Ollie wouldn't be able to participate in the hunt, I asked him where I should hide it and he pointed to a wall sconce with a candle inside of it. I perched it on the glass that covered the candle. We then told the kids that someone had stolen the golden snitch and Harry needed it for his next Quidditch match so we had to find it fast! They looked around the dining room and living room until Eden finally found it! It was fun watching the kids using their wands to look for it. Meghan had hers out and was using it to peek under Oliver's blanket trying to locate it. "Accio, snitch" didn't seem to work.

After each task I would give them Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts from Gringott's bank (chocolate gold coins) to spend later on. They were each awarded with their very own Tri Wizard Cup, a tiny gold trophy I got from the party favor section of the Dollar Tree. I wrote each name on the front along with the year. They loved it! I heard "I'm a REAL wizard now!" from the kids when they received them!


HONEYDUKES Candy Shop & ZONKOS Joke Shop

We set up a small area in the kitchen for the kids to go shopping and spend their wizards money. Dollar Tree had tons of candy and fun jokes and gag gifts to make it fun for the kids. We got large glasses, magic tricks, fake spilled ketchup and nail polish bottles, fake snakes and cockroaches and all sorts of fun tricks and gags. They could each pick out one thing they wanted from Zonkos and then off to Honeydukes where we had Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans (Jelly Belly jelly beans), chocolate frogs and broomsticks, Licorice Wands, Cockroach Clusters (Hersey's crunch bar clusters), lemon drops, pop rocks and all sorts of other goodies to choose from. They filled their bags and their tummies!

Since Ollie couldn't make it out to the kitchen, I grabbed his bedside table and filled it up with all sorts of goodies, like the candy cart on the train that Harry Potter loves so much. I wheeled it over to him, but he still wasn't feeling well, so I just put some things in a baggy for him if he felt up to something sweet.

It was a memorable New Year's Eve for many reasons. We had fun with some good friends although it was a bittersweet night. Some of my friends where only visiting here from out of state and I knew when they said goodbye it would probably be the last time they saw Oliver. Difficult to watch and take in. It will be a fun memory of a Harry Potter New Year, but also the start of a year which will most likely bring lots of sadness and grief. So many different emotions.

After our company left, around 10 o'clock or so, I got in Ollie's bed with him and had some snuggle time. After a while he started gagging in his bed and so Ed ran and got a garbage can and I leaned him forward on the bed and he threw up. Poor kiddo. I don't know if he got the flu or if it is a symptom of the brain tumor. He said he had a headache the day before. I just don't know what to expect on any given day. He felt a little better after that and sucked on a candy cane to help settle his stomach and get the nasty taste out of his mouth. I laid there and ran my fingers through his hair for a bit while we talked. It's getting so hard to understand him now. He used a white board to write on for the first time today so it's definitely getting worse. I layed in bed and read a chapter in the fourth book, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. We are nearly done with that book. I've been reading a chapter every night to the kids for the last several months. It's nice to have some relaxing time at the end of the day to unwind and have our minds wander to someplace magical. We also iChatted with Ed's brother, Jared and his family who live in California. They called us when the ball was about to drop, in our neck of the woods, and wished Oliver a Happy New Year. So... the night was filled with mixed emotions, but overall I think everyone had fun. I pray that Oliver will feel better and continue to have his sense of humor and handsome smile. We wish you all had a Happy New Year!

***for some reason blogger won't let me post pictures right now. I'll have to try again later!

Fourth of July

Monday, July 4, 2011

We went over to Ed's parent's house to grill out and let the kids run through the sprinkler and play outside. I brought bubble wands for the kids to play with and of course they turned into light sabers. It seems like everything turns into a light saber or sword when you have boys! :O) It was nice to spend time with Ed's family and be outside. I've been such a homebody lately so it was nice to get out and watch the kids play.

Bubbles

Bear and Finny playing at the water table. Finny kept pouring water all over his head!

This kid LOVES to sweep! I will be sweeping and he comes from out of nowhere and steals my broom. This happens usually after I've made a nice pile. He then 'sweeps' the pile all over the floor again! I guess it's his way of helping me 'clean'.

Playing in the sprinkler. I think he's sprung a leak!

These kids sure love their new cousin, Kaylee!

This pic of Uncle Danny and Oliver reminded me of Harry Potter!

I don't know if I've ever seen a normal face on this man. ;o)

Fun with sparklers