Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Life is Hard...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I'm so behind in blogging because I just haven't felt like posting. I've been extremely depressed and there have been many things going on in my life that are just destroying me. I can't believe how cruel and heartless people can be. I just can't. I can't get into what is going on in my life, but I will say that I've never felt so alone in my life. I just wish people would see what they are doing. Everyone says that someday I will understand why all of this is happening, but right now... I just wish it would all end. I wish people could see what they are doing. Life is hard enough dealing with the fact that my firstborn child is dying. He is most likely going to die. DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THIS?!?! Why can't people get over themselves and realize that they are just adding to my misery and they are not just affecting me, but my family and Oliver as well. I am miserable right now and I can't just fake a smile for everyone else's benefit. I feel so lost... so alone...

I'm sick of everyone feeling like they have to fix me. Can't I just be sad??? LET ME BE SAD!!! LET ME BE OUT OF CONTROL!!! LET ME SCREAM AND CRY!!! You don't have to fix me! I'm not going to "keep a smile on my face when I have every right to lose it". That's exactly it... I DO have EVERY right to lose it and don't judge me until you have walked in my shoes!!! Most people have NO IDEA what is happening in my life. I'm human. I make mistakes, but I also mean what I say and when I've had enough crap to deal with I will stick up for myself. I love my family and the few true friends that I have. I have many trials right now... many struggles that people will NEVER understand unless you've been in my shoes so STOP TRYING TO FIX ME!

It's amazing what else happens when you get this type of news. People come out of the woodwork and want to know everything that is happening and for the most part... people are genuinely concerned, but there are others out there who want to get the hottest scoop and be the bearers of others misfortunes and that is just sick. I can't believe what people are capable of and how they are blinded... absolutely blinded. I started this blog to keep people posted on Oliver and his health, but I never dreamed that people would use his illness to make themselves feel important. It just makes me ill. It's a hard journey... one I would never wish on my worst enemy. Life is a hard journey I must say. When you feel like you can't possibly handle one more thing... something else comes crashing down and challenges you to the very core. I seriously don't know how much more I can handle...

43 comments:

meghan said...

I cried after I got off the phone with you yesterday. I wish there was more i could do. Sending <3 your way. Just know I am always thinking of you even though we are far apart.

lisalisa said...

(((HUG)))

Shay S. said...

Praying for you & your family!

Lisa said...

I am so sorry. I would definately understand if you made your blog private. Please know that Paul and I are thinking and praying for you.

Lisa said...

I watched this today and thought of you
http://old.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/videos?channelId=ad1fcf6cdfeac110VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&sourceId=cbbcb0333ee92210VgnVCM100000176f620a____

Bobbi said...

My heart breaks for you Stacey...let it all out, scream and yell and cry and do whatever you feel you need to do! You are a strong woman, stronger than i have ever been! I would love to follow your journey...my email is
bandjmetcalf@yahoo.com
prayers and hugs to you and your beautiful family!!!
-Bobbi Metcalf

Shar said...

you know my email friend. i put your name in the temple (and your family's) every time i go. love you tons and think of you often.

Jeff Glaspie said...

I love to read this blog and would really appreciate it if I could continue to do so. jpglaspie@gmail.com

Megan said...

Stacy,I am so sorry for all your sorrows.

smiliesar said...

It's heart breaking that you aren't getting the support you need. I found your blog through my friends, Brigham & Janelle Shamrell and when you did the head shaving at church. I would love to continue reading your story if you don't mind. If you do I completely understand since I'm a "stranger" to you. Big Hugs though!
-Sarah
sarahlewis97030@yahoo.com

Carie and Charles said...

I cannot imagine the rude things people have said to you. You have every right to express yourself whether it be by blogging, screaming, crying, etc. You do what you have to do for yourself. Be sad. Be mad. Be you. I would love to keep following Oliver's story. I put his name in the temple every time I go. I'm keeping you in my prayers.
-- Carie
carieannenichole@gmail.com

Britt said...

I think sometimes people just wish they knew the right thing to say in an impossible situation. My heart breaks for your family and the pain that you are feeling. I would love to
be able to continue to read your blog for Oliver.
brittredington@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

you have no idea who i am and i have no idea who you are. i was actually searching for a blogspot that has a VERY similar name as yours and clicked on yours accidentally. i can't imagine the nightmare you are going through. and, YES, you have every right to scream and be sad and be whatever the hell you need to be right now to survive something so indescribably hard. i know this is so weird but, just wanted to let you know one more person is out there praying for your strength to survive this mentally. i'm a mother of two girls, 4 and 2 and i just CANNOT imagine. i felt compelled to write. all you can do is stay as strong as you can. and you don't have to fake smile at anyone.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! You have every right to be mad or upset and to vent. Praying for your son!

Katie
kam5544@aol.com :o)

Shamae said...

I'm sorry it's under these circumstances that i'm introducing myself. I found your blog from Sadie Huish's blog...her parents posted your url a while ago and I've been following and praying ever since. I would love to keep up with you and your sweet family. s_gneiting@hotmail.com

Just know there are more people than you know that are praying for you and Oliver and your whole family. People who care and have grown to love people they have never met. People are specifically praying for you too. Hugs from a cyber friend you've never heard of from Idaho.

Denise said...

Stacy, I want you to scream,cry and yell as loud as you want. No one has the right to tell you how to feel or act. I have messaged you through FB before, I am related to Gibbs, work up with Dr Sims, and my sister went blind from cancer at age 12. My mom still goes through this, people tell her to be happy or smile for what my sister has. But my mom and I would have given our lives to keep her healthy if we could have. No one does understand, and every situation is diff. I pray that you and your family can cry, laugh and love each other without those people bringing you down. I will leave my email, but understand if you do not include me. I know I can ask Andrea how you are doing and of course how Ollie is doing. Also, feel free to call me if you need someone to just listen,sometimes I think that is what we need in these situations.
Denise Thurn
wacky88@aol.com

[RochelleY] said...

keep me on your list please! rochelleyoungblut@yahoo.com

MUTHABOMB said...

Sweetie all I want to say is I love you! Ya'll are in mine and my families prayers.

I will send you a message with my email.

Kathy Hooper said...

I have been following your blog for quite a few months. My heart breaks for your family and your precious Oliver. There is no feeling you are having that you are not fully entitled to and I cannot imagine anyone thinking they have the right to tell you how to feel or act. I hope you will keep me on your blog list. I pray for your family and your sweet boy daily. katshoop@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

I pray for your family on a daily basis. I really do. I hope you believe that but if you don't because I have made mistakes i understand. I just wish I could give you and your family a big hug. Please keep me on your blog
carrie_ann_01@yahoo.com

Steph said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Steph said...

My name is Stephanie

srorick1@hotmail.com

I would love to follow your son's journey. We will keep him in our prayers!

Best Wishes

Anonymous said...

Stacy, I comment as anonymous because I don't have an account set up. I think of you often because I've watched loved ones go through this journey. SCREAM ALL YOU WANT, it isn't healthy to keep it in and wear the fake smile all the time. My experience still isn't the same as yours but I have been down a similar path. You're right, no one would ever wish this on their worst enemy. I'll continue to pray for you.

Julie Hughes
tom_jue@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

We have never met before and you don't know who I am. I have been following your blog after I stumbled acrossed it one day. Oliver is one amazing young man and you are an amazing woman. Don't let people tell you how to feel, you are grieving and you have every right too. I have so much admiration for you and your family as you have to endure all of this. Just know that I have been praying from North Carolina and that you and Oliver have touched my heart in a way you didn't think was possible.
Please allow me to continue following... michelle_1169@hotmail.com

Pieper'sPepper Patch said...

We'd love to continue reading the blog. Life as it is these days I don't get to church often. I miss seeing you. Prayers, vent all you want it is completely understandable. I'm sure a lot of the fixing comes from everyone wanting to do something and not knowing what to do. You can call anytime just to vent. Promise not to try to fix. Or just go for a walk. Hang in there. piepersand@aol.com

Ana said...

Stacy, I'm so sorry you're running into this business. I would love to keep up with you all. I know all I can offer is love and prayers. But those I will definitely do. Ana
(ananelsonshaw@gmail.com)

Jamie W said...

Stacy-
I've followed this blog from the first - I honestly can't even remember which friend directed me towards it. But I have been touched by your sweet, heart-wrenching, horrible, touching, no-parent-would-ever-want-to-go-through-it, story. I am touched by your strength and think it would be abnormal if you didn't want to scream, cry, etc while you have to endure this trial. Just know that you have love and prayers from Nevada and I would love to keep reading. {But if I don't get an invite, I understand 100%!!!} My address is jamiewakefield1 at hotmail dot com.

doolittle said...

The last thing in the world you need to be wasting energy and losing sleep over is trying to defend and explain yourself. It is so extremely frustrating when people just 'don't get it', whatever that 'it' might be. And even more aggravating and upsetting is when it's people, close people, that you would have appreciated being a shoulder to cry on, a filter for all the inquiries coming in, a rock to depend on when everything else is falling apart. But I've found that no matter how upset or flabbergasted I become as things go on that way, that there is no sense letting myself get dragged down by them. I have to save all the energy, strength, courage, and faith for those who REALLY NEED it, including myself. And I find great comfort in prayer to my Heavenly Father, knowing that He is right there beside me. And even if no one else 'gets it', He and my Savior know. They understand. They know what's in my mind and in my heart. And they love me and are lifting me up no matter what those thoughts and feelings are. Keep up the good fight, Stacy! I know it's been intense, and it will continue for the rest of your life, no matter what the outcome. You shouldn't be made to feel that you need to 'get over it'. No one gets over something like this. You will forever be changed. Time will just change the feelings.
We would be honored to be permitted to continue following the Palmer family's eternal journey, but understand your desire to stay private.
Mark and Eliza Johnson
dredoolittle@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

We have never met. We heard about Oliver through some mutual friends -Jeff and Rhonda. Our family will continue to keep Oliver and your family in our prayers.
jmriesel@aol.com

Anonymous said...

Stacy, you are an incredible mother. You are entitled to feel how you feel. Ignore people who are making you feel bad - they are not walking in your shoes right now. I'm praying for you and your beautiful family. Beth Dobbins
(bbagenstos@hotmail.com)

Mathew and Christie said...

We have never met, but I have been following your blog and have kept your family in our prayers.

I wish I was near and a close friend so you could vent, cry and just scream.

I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. My heart breaks for you.

I would love to continue to follow your blog. But understand if you want to restrict who you wish to invite.

We will continue to pray for Oliver and for your family.

christie
vernalclan@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

Stacy, you are entitled to feel how you feel. Ignore people who are telling you otherwise. They are not walking in your shoes. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Beth Dobbins
(bbagenstos@hotmail.com)

ramsam said...

Please add me when you go private, i know we are new friends in blogland, but even in the midst of your darkness and screaming, you inspire me. You just feel whatever comes your way....that is what we were born .

God bless you!!!!!

Just me and my girls said...

I don't know you or your family, but have followed your blog for some time.

My heart breaks for you and your family. I have no idea what are you going through, but you are amazing.

You have every right to feel what you are feeling and true friends should be the shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen or even the punching bag if needed :)

I do and will continue to keep you in my prayers.

I would love to keep following your blog mindi.turner@securitynational.com

Much love to you, your sweet swwet boy and your family.

Amy said...

Our prayers and thoughts are with your family at this time as well. I can't even imagine what this might be like for you and your family. And I think you have every right to feel angry and sad and have days where you just want to cry. We will continue thinking of you and praying for you too. We'd like to keep up with any news. jaromandamy@gmail.com
P.S. My name is Amy Taylor, and my husband, Jarom, served with Ed in the mission field.

Anonymous said...

I would love to keep following! I pray for you, your family, and sweet Oliver daily! Ms Tracy Tigges, Edison Elementary tigges@hotmail.com

Shana Whipple said...

I love you so much. I hate that you are having to go through this. I'm here for you my friend. Love, Shana
shanawhipple@hotmail.com

Kathryn said...

You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. I've never met you, but used to teach at Edison and still feel a part of that family.

Karren said...

I too am another stranger who has followed your journey for some time now. I think of you and your family and I check your blog regularly to get updates on your sweet son. I have no idea what it's like to be where you are right now, I can't even imagine, but I know it hurts me to know that there are actually people out there causing you more pain. I think you've earned the right to deal with this however you need to. I would be honored to continue following your journey, but if you choose not to invite me, I totally understand. My prayers will be with you either way. karren.paxman@gmail.com

ChrisD said...

Stacy, although I don't know what you are going through, I for sure understand the depression! I totally want to still follow this blog, because I am concerned about YOU! (and obviously Ollie also!) If you choose to let me continue, I would be honored.
Christine (from Scrapping at Dianne's) CDewater@aol.com

Anonymous said...

Hi Stac. I have been keeping up with you through your blog. However, I want you to know there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about your family and Ollie. I echo what others have said; no one can judge you at a time like this. I am not sure exactly what is going on, but it is difficult to imagine anyone intentionally adding stress to your life right now. There are no words I can offer that will make you feel better but know that I pray for and think of you often. My email address is mandyjodavisson@gmail.com if it is okay that I still check in on you now and then.

Mandy

James and Jane said...

Stacy-

You are absolutely right! Many of us don't know what you are going through and personally I can't even imagine! I continue to pray for you and your sweet family! Particularly, just to have the strength to get through the day! If you go private, I would like to be on the list! My email is jamesnjanep@yahoo.com if you don't have it anyomre! Thinking of you often!
Jane

Bob said...

My 9 year son died of a DIPG on the 31st of May. Take care of yourself and your family first, you can pick up the pieces later. If they are real friends they will offer practical help like laundry, housework, and someone to talk to IF you want it. The others are not worth considering.

Just enjoy every second you have now with Finn as much as you can.