Tears...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

It's amazing how much I want to be strong. I want to be able to gracefully get through this difficult journey -- to say that I have the utmost faith that everything will be okay... that my family and I can get through this... that Oliver will be healed. Most days I have the faith that everything will be okay and that one day we will know why this has happened. I know the things that I 'should' know, but I just can't wrap my heart around it. Today was not a good day.

I've been extremely stressed lately for many reasons. I've had a change in medication, have been having horrible headaches, stressing out over Ollie's benefit, fearing for what Oliver's MRI will show next Wednesday, saddened to hear of other children being diagnosed with cancer, with DIPG. It makes my heart ache... truly ache for these families because I know more than most what they are feeling. Granted... all of our journeys are different.

I've been learning how to create a slideshow on my own for Oliver's benefit and I've spent hours trying to fit things together while my 18 month old stands by my side whining to be picked up. He's a very clingy little stink right now! He usually sits on my lap while I try to figure it out. He loves looking at photos and watching home videos on the computer. However, today as I was working on it, I just burst out in tears... bawling. So many thoughts raced through my mind. Why was I making this video? How can I capture Oliver's personality and let people that come to his benefit truly see who his is? Will people ever know what a sweet boy he was and how funny he was if he loses this battle?

We are trying to make a wish come true for him. Things have changed a lot in the last 18 months and I want to do what I can to make him happy. I'm making a slideshow for my son that has a brain tumor that could kill him and statistics have shown that it most likely will. I'm making this slideshow to show at a benefit so that we can take a trip that may be his last big trip. This is not right. This should not be happening to us. I just can't do anything but cry and now I have a huge headache. GAH!!! I feel bad because people ask what they can do, and sometimes I don't know. I can't transfer my grief to someone else to take for a bit. I feel numb today. I know that I shouldn't have these thoughts, but again... I can't help it. They weasel their way into my head and wreak havoc on my mind. Some days I don't know how much more I can take. Everyone says that they don't know how I do it... that I'm stronger than I realize... if they only could see how I weep when I'm home in my room. If they only knew that I struggle so much with the will to live... struggling with wanting to end it all and be free from the emotions and pain of this life. I always thought that my mental illness was my biggest trial to manage in this life. That coupled with the reality of possibly losing a child is nearly unbearable. I really don't know how much more I can take. Day to day... hour to hour... minute to minute. I mean... really... minute to minute. At times I'm bawling and nearing the edge of all sanity and then 20 minutes later, I can deal with it. Sometimes I just return to the former numbed feeling and feel like I'm zoned out.

I'm hoping that I can get my medication figured out and these episodes will be fewer and further between. Most of the time I am sane and have fun with the kids. Other times... not so much. I've been lucky enough to meet a great counselor that I've been seeing since about a month after Oliver was diagnosed. I've also started going to group therapy for my mental illness and learning ways to try and manage the disease. It is a lot of work and thank God for medication. I am blessed to have found a counselor that I click with and that understands my illness and helps me probably more than she realizes. Climbing back out of the hole I've been in for the last day or two... waiting for this headache to go away. Going to bed and hoping for a better day tomorrow. I want to be well for Ollie's benefit on Saturday. I want to just BE WELL.