Can't sleep - March 2013

Tired.  I can't sleep, but hey what's new?  I've just been tossing and turning in bed.  Kids are sleeping all over.  Jaren in his bed, Phineas on the couch, Eden in my bed.  I just want to sleep.  I want to have a normal schedule again.  I keep thinking of Oliver and sick thoughts creep in about what he must look like now under the ground.  It makes me ill to think about so I have to try and think of something else to replace that thought with something constructive.  I just can't help it.  I just hope he's happy.  The boys pray EVERY SINGLE night for Ollie to be safe in Heaven or to be happy in Heaven with Jesus.  It hurts my heart that Ollie's gone and it hurts my heart to know what these kids are going through now that their brother is gone.  They are 10, 5 and 3.  They should not know this much about death already.  Some days I get really angry with God and other days my heart softens and I allow myself to be reminded of His plan and that there is a reason for this life... for his life.... for my life.  It's so exhausting to be jostled about on a daily basis with so much emotion and unanswered questions.  I am grateful for the times I'm at peace, I really am.  I feel at times I can get through it, but most of the times... I just want to sleep or veg out watching a movie or get lost in a book.  I know it isn't good, but that is where I'm at right now.  It is hard getting out of bed, but I try to put a smile on when the kids are here and do things with them.  I rarely leave my house.  I am a hermit most of the time.  Ed takes the kids to school and Ed's parents pick them up.  Ed goes to the store for groceries and whatnot.  Even lately we've been staying in for date night.  I just can muster the energy to get out of my pajamas and leave the house.  I'm drained.  Don't get me wrong... when I'm with the kids there is a lot of laughter and happiness, but there is a little cloud hanging over the happiness because Oliver is not here with us.  We want him here... physically here.  I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't know if I'll ever come to that point.  Things just sneak up on you when you least expect it and it hits you like a ton of bricks and the tears just flow.  When I talk about him, most of the time I can talk and laugh about our memories, but at times I start to tear up and sometimes sob because that is a moment that the reality hits you that he is DEAD.  I still can't believe he's gone.  So far... no one has told me to get on with my life, probably because I'm a hermit and most people don't talk directly to me, and they would get an ear full if they said it to me.  Life is hard.