Thursday, March 21, 2013

Can't sleep - March 2013

Tired.  I can't sleep, but hey what's new?  I've just been tossing and turning in bed.  Kids are sleeping all over.  Jaren in his bed, Phineas on the couch, Eden in my bed.  I just want to sleep.  I want to have a normal schedule again.  I keep thinking of Oliver and sick thoughts creep in about what he must look like now under the ground.  It makes me ill to think about so I have to try and think of something else to replace that thought with something constructive.  I just can't help it.  I just hope he's happy.  The boys pray EVERY SINGLE night for Ollie to be safe in Heaven or to be happy in Heaven with Jesus.  It hurts my heart that Ollie's gone and it hurts my heart to know what these kids are going through now that their brother is gone.  They are 10, 5 and 3.  They should not know this much about death already.  Some days I get really angry with God and other days my heart softens and I allow myself to be reminded of His plan and that there is a reason for this life... for his life.... for my life.  It's so exhausting to be jostled about on a daily basis with so much emotion and unanswered questions.  I am grateful for the times I'm at peace, I really am.  I feel at times I can get through it, but most of the times... I just want to sleep or veg out watching a movie or get lost in a book.  I know it isn't good, but that is where I'm at right now.  It is hard getting out of bed, but I try to put a smile on when the kids are here and do things with them.  I rarely leave my house.  I am a hermit most of the time.  Ed takes the kids to school and Ed's parents pick them up.  Ed goes to the store for groceries and whatnot.  Even lately we've been staying in for date night.  I just can muster the energy to get out of my pajamas and leave the house.  I'm drained.  Don't get me wrong... when I'm with the kids there is a lot of laughter and happiness, but there is a little cloud hanging over the happiness because Oliver is not here with us.  We want him here... physically here.  I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't know if I'll ever come to that point.  Things just sneak up on you when you least expect it and it hits you like a ton of bricks and the tears just flow.  When I talk about him, most of the time I can talk and laugh about our memories, but at times I start to tear up and sometimes sob because that is a moment that the reality hits you that he is DEAD.  I still can't believe he's gone.  So far... no one has told me to get on with my life, probably because I'm a hermit and most people don't talk directly to me, and they would get an ear full if they said it to me.  Life is hard.

3 comments:

Tabitha Hackney said...

i am a therapist and found myself here on this page tonight for some reason, i have no words except im sorry , but i know it won't take your pain away and im here if you need a friend...this story touched me very deeply and your son would be so proud of how strong you have become during this process, the grieving process is hard but for a child i don't think it will ever end,u just get through it....sending my love from Virginia to you and your beautiful family....reading ur post is just what i needed in my life right now , to show me theres people out there thats dealing with worse than what i go through....im sorry for your loss and pain but im very inspired of how strong and how good of a mother you are...

stephanie said...

I feel so terrible that you had to say goodbye to your beautiful son. I have been reading your blog since 2011 when someone i loved was diag. With dipg. I love reading your new posts, but i feel so sad for you. As a mom, my heart aches over and over for you. I wish there was something i could do to help you and all the moms who are hurting. I think you are a lovely mother. I hope someday you can feel more at peace. God bless you

Carrie said...

I cannot imagine how hard trying to have a normal schedule is. I cannot imagine your pain and would be wrong to try because I know no one that hasn't been through personally losing their child to such a monster knows your real deep down pain. You need to grieve and cope the way that is best for you, I am not one to tell you get out of the house, stop isolating, I nor anyone has any right to do that. Do know that I love you and your family very much. You are never ever far from my mind and you know you can call me anytime of the day or night. I may not know the words to say but I will be there to listen. Oliver is beyond missed. I go see him almost every Sunday on my way back into Waterloo. I have missed some this winter when it has been icy with my fear of falling and being stuck on the ground. He won't ever be forgotten and his story of bravery and thinking of others before himself and the hero he is to me and many will go on for years and years to come